1. I should not have worn a skirt today.
2. Will people notice that I didn’t really shave the backs of my legs?
3. Should have worn tights.
4. Oh shoot, was that just a breeze? This could get bad.
5. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck WIND.
6. WHY did I wear a skirt on a windy day?
7. And why have they not yet engineered skirts so they don’t blow up with the wind?
8. Oh, I guess those are pencil skirts. (Just pretend this post is not about a pencil skirt.)
9. I am now bunching the bejeezus out of my hem and it is still blowing up and this is really, really stressful.
10. What underwear am I wearing again? Please let it be boy briefs.
11. Should have worn Spandex shorts underneath this shit.
12. But screw Spandex, y’know?
13. Oh great, I dropped something. If I lean over to pick it up, I will probably be exposing myself to the rest of the world.
14. Is this skirt even work-appropriate?
15. Remember that time you wore a WHITE skirt with RED underwear? That was bad.
16. Wait. Can you see my underwear NOW through this skirt?
17. Oh, wow, it is muuuuch shorter looking when I sit down. Eek.
18. Does this skirt make me look like I’m five?
19. Ooh, but it does look nice when I twirl.
20. I don’t know how anyone rides a bike in this thing.
21. OK, there is wind everywhere.
22. There is wind when I entered this elevator.
23. And this goddamned subway platform fuckfuckfuckkkkk.
24. Are my bare thighs touching this seat? Which is probably covered with germs?
25. Too late to try to adjust it now.
26. It’s like, every way I sit, I’m somehow exposing my crotch.
27. Why is this skirt shorter in the back than in the front? Is my butt really that big?
28. If I’m walking up steps and someone’s walking behind me, are they able to see up my skirt?
30. I’m really glad I don’t have to dance on a bar like those girls in Coyote Ugly.
31. I feel vulnerable.
32. Like anything could happen at any moment. To my crotch.
33. Yet I’m strangely free as well.
34. Despite feeling lots of anxiety about this skirt, I still really like you, skirt. You’re like pants without the middle man.
35. You’re like the crazy friend who, when she comes to town, makes you stay up late and party. And you think you’re not going to enjoy it but then you do!
36. And, I mean, at least going to the bathroom is easy.
37. I just hope I didn’t leave my skirt tucked into my underwear.