1. Before even attempting your goal, you have to have ALL your dreams destroyed by some asshole who trips and causes you to fall and lose the race.
2. So now you have to find a completely new passion. And you pick one you know nothing about. And the only person who can help you is…
3. John Candy.
4. And you have to be really nice to him. Which isn’t necessarily difficult, but isn’t fun either.
5. And then you have to stalk this overweight, angry, unpleasant man (in the bathroom, no less) to convince him to coach you. Getting out of a cell phone contract is easier than this.
6. And so you foolishly begin training without the two most crucial elements for bobsled success — ice and a real sled. Putting together Ikea furniture is easier than this.
7. Real bobsledding is probably easier than this.
8. Working out hungover is easier than this.
9. Turning down a Nutella-filled donut is easier than this.
11. Nobody will believe in you. Instead they just laugh in your face. Texting your ex-boyfriend would be less humiliating than this.
12. But now you’ve committed all your free time to training with your weird teammates. One of whom keeps a lucky egg in his pants.
13. Then there’s this guy who is terrifying.
14. Who also aspires to live in Buckingham Palace.
16. How on earth are you going to win the Olympics with these weirdos?
17. Well, you don’t. Because learning how to do this is really difficult. And now you have to pretend you’re okay with carrying your sled across the finish line.
18. So the next time you feel like you just can’t do it, remember to tell yourself this…
- A newly unearthed Homeland Security report contradicts Donald Trump's travel ban, saying country of origin is not a reliable indicator of terrorism.
- The White House blocked several media outlets it's been critical of, including BuzzFeed, from a closed-door briefing by Press Secretary Sean Spicer.
- Hillary Clinton returned to the public arena in one of her first political appearances since the election, urging Democrats to "keep fighting."
- The White House strongly denies reports that Chief of Staff Reince Priebus urged the FBI to undermine stories linking Trump to Russia.