back to top

"Mary Poppins" Is Actually An Extremely Messed Up Movie

Seriously, what's going on between Mary and Bert?

Posted on

No American childhood is complete without a viewing of Disney's 1964 adaptation of P. L. Travers' Mary Poppins books. But here are some things you didn't question as a kid... and they're pretty weird.


Because they're clearly rekindling something. Wait a minute... Mary Poppins, did you just "happen to get a job" near your ex? Are you sure you didn't plan this all along as a way to get back together?

How did you picture this playing out? Looking your finest, you just "bump" into your one-man-band-chimney-sweeping ex-boyfriend, like Oh, Bert! What on earth are you doing here?


Jane and Michael get lost after the bank fiasco, but they luckily run into Bert who takes them home. But Mrs. Banks is all, "Oh SHIT. It's Mary Poppins' day off. Can you babysit?"

Really, lady? You're gonna leave your kids with the dirty man you just met? (No offense, Bert. I mean, we know you're a nice guy.)


Because this has become an utter shitshow (and the wind has changed or something), Mary Poppins has to go. But she refuses to tell the children she loves them.

Oh, and don't worry about Mr. Banks anymore. He runs into his old colleagues at the park who inform him that the head of the bank died last night, so Banks can come back to work.

The head of the bank's official cause of death: laughter. Which is a TERRIFYING thought. Do NOT get too happy here, people. It could be detrimental to your health.