1. Jack is the story of a child born with a condition that makes him age four times the normal rate. It is supposed to be a family-friendly tale about a grown man who is a child (which is supposed to be funny) and “living life to its fullest.”
It is in fact one of the saddest movies you have ever seen. It will create a black hole of melancholia inside you that will never again be filled with happiness.
2. It starts here, in the delivery room, with Jack’s mom giving birth a mere two months into her pregnancy. She’s scared shitless.
3. And then Jack’s parents have to go through finding this out. WTF. This movie is so sad.
4. He looks adorable now, but by the time he is 10, Jack will look like a full grown man.
Just stop and try to comprehend how this would feel. You are a parent. You have just given birth to your first child who won’t remain that way for long. You will be dealing with boners far sooner than you ever thought.
5. And so, 10 years later, Jack does look like a middle-aged man. He looks just like Robin Williams.
6. But he still has bad dreams so his parents let him sleep in their bed. This has to be awkward.
7. And he needs his father — who is pretty much the same age as his son (physically) — to help him shave.
8. Once Jack’s parents allow him to go to school, he at first has a hard time fitting in. Because of course it is weird to have a 45-year-old man playing on the school playground.
9. And he makes scary cat sounds at the kids. This isn’t freaky, though. It’s sad. Because he knows he’s a freak.
10. But eventually, he does make friends.
But his friends make him act like a real grown-up and ask him do things like buy Penthouse magazines and pretend to be the principal. The result of which is that The Nanny hits on Jack. Reminder: He’s 10.
11. Things are going okay until Jack begins to understand what this all means. This can’t be good.
12. And now that he’s getting good at math, he realizes the utterly devastating reality that is his life.
He will probably not have a career. By the time he is 28, his physical age would be 112.
13. Oh my God. And there’s nothing we can do.
14. And when he asks his teacher to the dance, you realize it actually makes sense that he’d ask her.
He’s right. He can’t be with a girl his age. He’s destined to be alone.
15. Oh, God. That look. That face.
The sadness is lodged inside you. It’s irreversible now.
16. Especially now.
17. Definitely now.
18. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, he winds up in jail and he’s not even a teenager.
19. And then he becomes so depressed that he stays inside and begins resembling a mountain man.
20. In the end, Jack graduates high school and gives the valedictorian speech. We’re supposed to feel happy for him.
But it’s just too sad. He looks older than his parents (who have new babies now so they can be happy when…you know). Although Jack gives an inspiring speech about embracing life, you just can’t handle it. Especially if you’re eight-years-old and are watching this for the first time in the theater. You’re not stupid. You get it. He’s going to die very soon.
THE END, indeed.
- An NFL player paid tribute to Harambe, the gorilla who died at a Cincinnati zoo, on his cleats.