The ancient art of Disco Dancing is a popular tale — we all know of the Great John Travolta and the revered dance variety shows, Soul Train and Solid Gold. But a closer look at these sources shows us that our ancestors and embarrassing parents weren’t just bell-bottom-boogieing to dance — they were also training in the Secret Art of Disco Fighting. Here, a combat guide. Let’s get started with the basics…
Basic Stances and Maneuvering
1. The “Disco Point”
The most basic of all Disco moves, this defensive stance communicates strength to your opponent.
2. The “I’m Watching You”
The basic Disco Point also serves an offensive purpose as an aid in surveillance.
3. The “Bunny Slope”
As a rule, Disco fighting requires a sturdy base. The “Bunny Slope” bounce (because it may make you resemble a dorky beginner skier) forms the basis of many Disco moves.
4. The “The Russians Are Coming”
Modified from a Russian folk dance, this advanced maneuver allows you to travel quickly towards your opponent while also looking Travolta-esque.
5. The “Stealth Walk”
Excellent for creeping up on bad guys.
6. The Giddy-Down
This clever action is meant to trick your opponent; while he thinks you’re about to move, you in fact stay in the same place, upper body completely static. Advanced: Maintaining an intense, Blue Steel-like stare into your attacker’s eyes.
7. The “Groovy One-Two”
An effective way to strike your aggressor. Note the correct positioning of the hands, extending palms first (not fist), so you can protect your knuckles.
8. The “Mini Jackie Chan”
This moving kick allows you to stay close to the ground.
9. The “Wheee!!!”
Inspired by wrestling techniques, this jump will squash your opponent while also confusing them by your incongruously jovial disposition.
10. The “Butt Jump”
A variation of #9, you may imagine a rug being pulled out from under you. And under that rug is a bad guy. Who just got passively whooped by your butt.
11. The “Grover Strike”
An adorable and easy technique for the un-coordinated.
12. The “Wax On, Wax Off”
To master this advanced move, you must first wax Mr. Miyagi’s car several times.
13. The “Diva Dance Instructor”
Essential to proper execution of this action includes a shiny tank top and diva mentality. Extend one arm while spinning, effectively slapping your opponent. With pizzazz.
14. The “Jolly Jaywalker”
This move is about concept: Imagine you are happily walking down the street, and doing it in the most groovy manner possible. You are likely to hit someone.
15. The “Needs No Introduction”
Disco Fighting is also an intellectual form of combat, so one’s entrance is everything. This step requires you to produce a lit cigarette out of nowhere, and to act as if that is totally normal.
16. The “Man Of A Thousand Balls”
This jazzy reveal communicates power and influence. It also has the potential to blind your opponent right off the bat.
17. The “Face Wave”
During breaks or before attacking, this “whatcha gonna do?” move distracts your partner and also makes them feel bad that they are not as cool as you.
18. The “Sad Split”
This move is meant to look as though it hurts, showing your opponent that you feel no pain.
19. The “Scared Shitless”
Many use this knee-wobbling tactic to communicate sarcasm — “Oooh, I’m so scared.” Keep in mind that this controversial move has been known to backfire given the perilous and violent nature of Disco Fighting; members of Disco Fight Club are often actually scared shitless.
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