1. Ian Wright: “Do The Right Thing”.
Confusingly, Wright quit the BBC after claiming he was made to look like a “comedy jester.”
2. Andy Cole: “Outstanding”.
Match of the Day pundit Mark Lawrenson’s review: “It’s absolute toilet.”
3. Vinnie Jones: “Big Bad Leroy Brown”.
Mediocre footballer, bad actor, dreadful singer.
4. Clint Dempsey: “Don’t Tread”.
Hoodies for goalposts (it’s actually pretty good).
5. Johan Cruyff: “Oei, Oei, Oei Dat Was Me Weer Een Loei”.
Sure, there’s no better song by a Dutch footballing superstar.
6. Ruud Gullit: “Not the Dancing Kind”.
Oh, fair enough.
7. Paul Gascoigne: “Fog on the Tyne”.
Features the lyric, “Sittin’ in a sleazy snack bar sucking sickly sausage rolls.”
8. Franz Beckenbauer: “Gute Freunde Kann Niemand Trennen”.
Accompanied by the world’s least enthusiastic backing singers.
9. Kevin Keegan: “Head Over Heels in Love”.
Only the second best song by a former England manager.
10. Hoddle and Waddle: “Diamond Lights”.
“Hey, Chris. Have you ever noticed how our surnames rhyme?”
“I have, Glen. Let’s release a single together.”
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