10 Things That Are Probably Almost Definitely Maybe Less Orange Than John Boehner

*bangs gavel*

1. This is the Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, John Boehner

2. As you can see, his tan is very very very fake and very very very orange. How he tans? Nobody has any clue.

(Some people say he rubs himself with Dorito cheese…I may or may not have started that rumor)

3. Please enjoy this list of things that are less orange than…this

4. 1. An actual orange

I just had this strange mental image of Boehner squirting oranges in his eyes. Maybe that’s why he cries so much?

5. 2. Syracuse University

Boehner: *cries softly in the distance*

6. 3. Speaking of Syracuse…

This basketball is also less orange than Boehner.

7. 4. The sun

I mean really………

8. 5. Carrots

(omg what if Boehner has that condition where you eat too many carrots and then you turn orange…I would feel bad about this post. Otherwise, NAHHHH)

9. 6. Orange soda

You look HOT in all that plaster! Drink some Fanta! Faster, Faster!

10. 7. Monarch butterflies

Much prettier than Boehner, too

11. 8. This fire hydrant I found at Temple University

I think Boehner needs one of these to put out that firey look he had on his face during SOTU.

12. 9. This orange telephone

*ring ring* “Yo, it’s John Boehner. I’d like to order 500 bags of pure dorito cheese”

13. 10. A traffic cone

Not that I would tell John Boehner to go play in traffic. No really, I wouldn’t. That’s mean.

(This listicle is for entertainment purposes only. I seriously hope John Boehner never sees this, but I am willing to take that risk. It’s all in good fun. I respect him as a human being and as a politician, even though I think he’s dead wrong on basically everything. *walks away from computer drinking soymilk*)


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