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Fruit Cups Are Bullshit

Stay woke.

Posted on

3.20.17

Listen here. This is a topic that I am very passionate about, and by passionate I mean angry.

On my road to living a “healthier lifestyle”, I am very conscious of what I order to eat when I’m out. For instance, it’s a Wednesday and I haven't been to Target in 3 weeks, so I go out for lunch. I head out to a quick place, like Paradise Cafe or Starbucks. Most times your order comes with a side of self-loathing, such as chips or fries. In an effort to save my calories for the half empty bottle of Andre in my fridge, I choose to substitute the standard side for a fruit cup. Sound lovely right?

I open up the container to find a total of 5 small grapes (2 are squishy), 4 cantaloupe, 3 honeydew, 2 tart as hell pineapple, and a pale pink nub of watermelon. Instant rage. I start with the bottom of the bag grapes from Wal-Mart, which are terrible and uncomfortably mushy. Then I move on to the cantaloupe, which seems like it would taste great due to it’s pigmented color, but no, it tastes like trash juice. Moving on to the worst of the bunch, honeydew, which is basically the rind of the aforementioned cantaloupe. They get a pass with pineapple because they’re always a crapshoot, but I’m no less pissed off. Last and most definitely least, the bullshit piece of watermelon that I’m sure was an accident .

What’s worse is, every single fruit cup I’ve ever had is like this, even yours WholeFoods. They are always a massive let down and are so fucking expensive! Like, who would ever want to eat a honeydew? How is it even a fruit? Also, why in the actual fuck do some places serve the fruit in a cardboard cup? I get sustainability, but I’m trying to stare at my phone for an hour, not make paper mache in my cube. This applies to any establishment that serves any type of liquid in a cardboard container. Stop it.

Moral of the story: I am now forced to eat kettle chips as my side, lunch won’t let me be great, and fruit cups are absolute garbage.

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