1. When she was feeling emotional:
Need a new mattress. Mine is all worn out IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!! (2 much flinging myself onto it weeping)
2. When she was really proud of herself:
Just called my dog a paw-ty animal - TOTALLY RIFFED IT! OFF THE CUFF
3. When she was having all sorts of issues:
If u put together all the 10-minutes-late to therapys I've done id prob b cured by now
4. When she really made you think about outerwear distinctions:
cant really keep straight the difference between a jacket and a coat
5. When she got winded from being healthy:
eatin a mango. pretty tired
6. When her simile game was on point:
I bought some sweatpants today that feel like making love to a summer cloud..... #poetry
7. When she really loved blankets:
blankets remain the best invention if i had invented them ppl would never hear the end of it
8. When she was super hyped about her nighttime routine:
I'M ABOUT TO CRUSH THIS MOUTHGUARD AND WHITE NOISE MACHINE AND BLANKETS #gettinghypedforbed
9. When she was reflecting on her childhood:
I wish I were a kid again, where I had no intellectual understanding of the ills of the world + just absorbed dark energies
10. When she took a stand on the big issues:
I don't think self closing drawers are that cool
11. When she was just like everyone else and loved Viola Davis's award acceptance speeches:
VIOLA NEEDS TO RELEASE A DVD OF ALL HER SPEECHES
12. When she felt really strongly about this picture:
And even posted a 25-second podcast about it.
13. When she needed to express herself:
Gonna start shouting I'M DOING ME at people when I get upset
14. When she became a new type of bookworm:
Yesterday I bought a book bc I thought it would be a "fun pop of color" on a table in my house. I'm certainly an intellectual deep person!
15. When she was #TooReal about adulthood:
One cool thing about being an adult is that you look dead all the time in photos and in real life
16. When she was asking for social etiquette advice:
Is it ok 2 ask a stranger the hypothetical question: what if you were to shut up
17. When she was really excited about her choices:
I'm eating pasta in bed FUCK THE WORLD!
18. When she was genuinely asking for fashion advice:
wud u judge if i start wearing crocs
19. When she decided staying in bed would just be easier:
Kicking my blankets off in the morning isn't turning out to be enough of a leg workout
20. When she needed some help communicating:
is it ok in a room of people to softly say: "surrounded by people yet so alone"
21. When she came up with the most genius invention:
Fuck. I can't get off the internet. I wish someone could send me a link to a shower and when I clicked I found myself in it
22. When she described every person with anxiety's thoughts at all times:
"May I be excused to go sit around and cry?"
23. When she had one last request:
IF I DIE PLEASE WRITE "LOL" ON MY GRAVESTONE
24. When she needed to get some new friends:
Imagine if a friend threw a brick through your window right now as a joke
25. When she asked the one true savior for advice:
Beyonce what does the future hold
26. When she was wondering if she wasn't the only one:
Does everyone keep an "If I turn up dead" folder on their desktop with names of potential suspects?
27. When she just wanted to be liked:
i wish i had this lil julie andrews vibe or just the vibe of anyone cute that people like
28. When livetweeting went too far:
should i livetweet never getting out of bed
29. When she was betrayed by her friend:
BAD NEWS @AndySamberg of @thelonelyisland and @Brooklyn99FOX WAS UNAVAIL 2 FT ⁉️⁉️v weird most ppl love 2 FT a ton
30. When she was just being honest:
TECHNICALLY EVERYONE SHOULD BE CRYING AT ALL TIMES
31. When she was really annoyed:
One thing that really irritates me is a thousand things
32. When she regretted being a good friend:
Thing I've most regretted saying in life: "Watch out you're about to get hit by a car" to @peteholmes just now
33. When she was really good at restaurant etiquette:
One cool thing to do at a restaurant is wipe your blush off with bread
34. When she was scared of a small child:
Is it ok 2 tell someone their kid looks like a demon to the point where you're scared 2 make eye contact with it
35. When she had a new take on an old phrase:
Home is where the majority of my stuff is, I have no heart
36. When love trumped bad fashion on her nephews:
Just saw pic of my nephews wearing both crocs & fedoras and I was just like "that's fine" IT'S CALLED LOVE + IT OVERCOMES ALL PREJUDICE
37. When she was having an existential crisis:
NOW WHAT now what now what now what
38. When her social anxiety flared up:
EVEN IF I AM PHYSICALLY GOING TO UR THING - MENTALLY I AM UNABLE TO ATTEND
39. When she just wanted to try something new:
currently waving a gun in this restaurant shouting: "alright, listen up everybody! I want 1 bite off of every plate"
40. When she wanted to get out quick after a solid joke:
Trying to plan a family getaway, where I getaway from my family. Solid joke aaaand bye
41. When she needed to reassure herself:
At parties a thing I like to yell is "I THRIVE ON THIS!"
42. When she just wanted to be caring:
When someone's telling you something is it ok to say "who cares" if you do it tenderly and touch their arm?
43. When time caught up with her:
Can't believe it's only 8:19 am life is a trip
44. When she realized the truth about surprise parties:
Surprise parties are fun to plan if you like lying 2 people + then shouting at them!
45. When she was met with a sobering reality:
In a restaurant looking at a hot couple thinking that's crazy even hot people have to chew and shit
46. When she started questioning things:
what is life lol who are we lol what is our purpose lol
47. When she found out what Twitter really was like:
twitter is like someone talking endlessly and you tune out and look over and you're like oh you're still talking
48. When she was feeling charitable:
I want to start a charity for people who don't follow me. Volunteers hand-deliver printed tweets to their door
49. Shoutout to her actual brother, BuzzFeed CEO Jonah Peretti:
One time we came home and found my brother crying to Baywatch
50. And when she was filled with regret:
Have you ever regretted every tweet you've ever posted every email you've ever sent every fb photo upload every live convo every text + fax?
Now, if you're still not following her, what are you even doing with your life?
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