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What Valentine's Cards Say Vs. What They Really Mean

Thanks for being willing and available!

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"Be my Valentine" – Rescue me from my takeaway-littered pit of loneliness.

"You're one in a million" – Not a lot of people swiped right for me.

"You mean everything to me" – I have no friends.

"Be Mine" – Don't dump me.

"You are my soulmate" – Don't dump me. Ever.

"You and me forever" – PLEASE don't dump me.

"You light up my life" – Even brighter than the late-night glow of the telly did before I met you.

"I only have eyes for you" – Congratulate me for not cheating on you.

"You mean so much to me today and always" – Being with you means I don't have to pretend I'm nice on a date ever again.

"Just for you" – You were the only person who would agree to go out with me.

"From the bottom of my heart" – From the eye-level shelf at Clinton cards.

"For someone special" – For someone available.

"All you need is love" – Being in a relationship allows me to give zero fucks about making other plans.

"For the wonderful times we've shared" – I'm hoping you'll overlook all the times I was manipulative and made you cry.

"My heart belongs to you" – Or anyone willing to have sex with me and laugh at my jokes, tbh.

"You are my greatest adventure" – I'll overlook the fact you're difficult because you have sex with me and laugh at my jokes.

"To the one I love" – To the person I like second best after my cat.

"To my tweetheart" – I'm gonna fill your notifications tab with stuff I should text you so everyone knows I'm not single.

"I'm happy when I'm with you" – I don't have to shave my legs or pretend I'm interesting around you.

"Let's make our dreams come true" – Wanna eat Domino's on the sofa bed in front of the telly?

"Je t'aime" –I have never been to Paris.

"Crazy for you" – I'm going to text you ten times a day.

"You rock my world" – I'm going to play "Total Eclipse of the Heart" when we have sex.

"You stole my heart" – You were the only person who clicked the heart on my Soulmates profile.

"You are my world" – I can't be arsed to text my friends now that we're going out.

"I would be lost without you" – My friends can't be arsed to text me either.

"I love you just the way you are" – I've resigned myself to the fact that you wear bootcut jeans.

"I like you a lot" – Don't expect me to introduce you to my friends any time soon.

"Something tells me I'm gonna love you forever" – Anything to never go back on Tinder.

"I'm lucky to have you" – Nobody else will go out with me.

"I choose you" – I can't face looking at more horrible online dating profiles.

"Heartfelt wishes" – I'm thinking about dumping you.

"You complete me" – I'm bland as fuck so someone has to tell the jokes when we're at parties.

"I love us" – Everyone else thinks we're cunts.