Gwyneth Paltrow has opened a Goop shop in London's Notting Hill, which eagle-eyed fans will recognise as the implausibly nice place where her character in Sliding Doors lives.
The pop-up, which will be on Westbourne Grove until Jan. 24, opened today to celebrate 10 years since Gwyneth unleashed her doctor-trolling wellness juggernaut Goop.
It's crystal vagina eggs and millennial pink yoga pants and £100 gold spoons all under one roof, and we went along to find out what other delightfully ridiculous things Gwyneth is hawking to the rich and well-groomed of London.
Disclaimer: I love this shit. There are three types crystal (amethyst, quartz, rose quartz) and two types of face mist (Kiehl's cactus flower and Tibetan ginseng, rose water) on my desk, and I am drinking kombucha as I write.
The rose quartz vagina egg (£55) that has long had the internet in a tizz.
Gynaecologists waged war on Gwyneth after she suggested that sticking this small crystal egg (also available in jade – £65) into your vagina could "balance your hormones" and fill you with all sorts of mystical sexual energy.
A health watchdog in the US is Team Gynae and recently fined Goop $145,000 for making these claims, although it could be said that squeezing one of these inside you could strengthen certain muscles.
The women of London seem to think so, anyway, as according to one staff member, vag eggs have been flying off the shelves of the new shop since it opened this morning. "There are a lot of tight pelvic floors walking around Notting Hill right now!" they told BuzzFeed News.
A Smile Makers "Millionaire" vibrator (£35). It's cheaper than an Elite Singles membership and doesn't require you to pretend you think men who drive Bentleys are sexy. Bargain tbh.
A golden vibrator by Crave that is also a necklace (£145).
Who hasn't wished their necklace was also a sex toy? No? Hey, it's an ice-breaker if anything.
It's not the same as the $15,000 solid gold vibrator Gwyneth once raved about to Goop readers.
Fur oil (£45), a luxurious mix of essential oils for smoothing and softening pubes. Best used on a full bush "or anywhere else you have skin and hair", according to the box.
Gwyneth might sing the praises of the "'70s full bush", but Notting Hill, home to the kind of spa-going rich people who always smell nice and are suspiciously sun-kissed all year round, is arguably the most waxed area of London, so lord knows what they're going to do with pube oil. Smooth down a landing strip?
But then, as Goop staff told BuzzFeed News, it's hoped that the store will lure those from outside the postcode too. "We've even had Australians in today," they said.
Did you know that you can use crystals to make a "gem elixir" so that you can drink energy-charged water to neutralise your existential dread*? Well, you can using this Glacce crystal water bottle (£55).
When I asked a staff member how people had been responding to the shop today he said they loved it, and that it was probably all the positive crystal energy** flying around that made it such a resounding success.
A little bag of crystals (£76) that's not remotely the same as the ones you get for £3 at a hippy shop in Camden because this is a ~medicine bag~.
Now, you'd think the ol' vagina egg lawsuit might have taught Gwyneth her lesson when it comes to attaching words like "medicine" to a bag of crystals, but here we are.
But let me tell you this, crystal fans: You can't pre-charge crystals and I don't care how much moon and sage Gwyneth has thrown on them, because they pick up energy as they go along — the disdain of the person packing them, the deep, empty boredom of the socialites who have fondled them in the shop.
You have to charge them yourself on the next full moon (incidentally, today), and you can get some sage to burn on Amazon for a fiver.
But what is there for those who don't want crystals and things to put in their vagina? Well, I'm glad you asked! How about this lovely Cinnamon Projects incense and holder (£240)?
I once saw Gwyneth Paltrow described as "glowing like a radioactive swan" and if she uses this Kypris Moonlight Catalyst serum (£75) she's flogging to achieve that, then sign me up.
NB: smells like jasmine. Delightful.
An £89 face mask calling itself "the problem solver". If this brown dust can call someone to retile my bathroom and explain why my cat's acting like a psychopath right now, I'd spend 90 quid on it.
London's Goop shop is also stocking clothes by a few local designers who you may have heard of, including Victoria Beckham, Stella McCartney, and Temperley London.
It's all in the spirit of mixing a bit of the London community into Goop's flagship Santa Monica style, apparently. Gwyneth did start Goop just down the road when she lived in Belsize Park after all.
That's why you'll find a London-friendly £600 woolly jumper alongside the LA-ready £100 yoga pants in Goop's own range.