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24 Terrible Tales Of First Dates Gone Wrong

How does anybody ever get together?

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1. "Him over main course: When I was a teenager I used to fantasise about sucking off my dad."

"Me: Erm....er...right, well, maybe that was your way of sexualising a need for greater emotional connection with him?

Him: Dunno. But I think that's why I go for daddies now.

Me: You go for daddies? So why are you on a date with me?

Him: Because I thought I should try and break that pattern.

Me: So I'm here to help you break an unhealthy pattern?

Him: Yeah, but don't worry, nothing's going to happen between us.

Me: Ah.

Him: What? Did I say something wrong? So when is the right time to tell someone you're not interested?" – Anonymous

2. "The cab arrived at end of date and he went in for a kiss."

"I wasn't keen so I ducked speedily into the taxi and he somewhat grumpily slammed the door shut...on my finger. The nail has never grown back properly." – Anonymous

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3. "This dude I met on OKCupid looked very odd on his profile but he was an 'artist' so I Googled him."

"He'd had some serious art shows, plus he kinda looked like a Wes Anderson character so I thought, You know what, this could be something.

I met him at Jaguar Shoes in Shoreditch which has this jungle wallpaper, and he came in and said, 'Wow, this feels like Jurassic Park – you're so tall, you made my drink shake.'

"We just had general chit chat and I asked him about his art – despite reading about his art shows I couldn't actually find any pieces he'd done. He clicked a folder on his phone and showed me some pretty grotesque and purple drawings of vaginas. After about 10 I was like, this is kinda cool, I guess...? But he kept sliding photo after photo after photo after photo, and with each swipe every vagina became more purple, more bulging, more grotesque. I didn't really know what to say apart from 'cool'.

"I stayed for a second drink to be polite. He told me about a play he was writing called The Suicide Machine and it sounded awful.

Then he asked at the very end if I wanted to meet up again and I said no, but that I'd 'love to be friends' *cough*, and he said, 'Well, what about a fling?' When I said 'no,' he yelled 'SLUT! SLUT!' and ran off." – Anonymous

4.

@laurafleur Got drunk, took me home, he didn't tell me it was his Mum & Dad's house. I had to sleep on the floor, then sneak out at 6.30am.

5.

@laurafleur And then there was the guy I took back to mine for a brew and he proceeded to alphabetise my CD collection.

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6. "There was a dude who kept making weird throat noises and not explaining them."

"When I eventually asked if he was OK he said he had a 'sensitive oesophagus'. Boke." – Anonymous

7.

@laurafleur I asked that guy what music he was into and he replied "esoteric jazz" without a hint of irony

8.

@laurafleur I had a guy tell me he was only paying so he could accumulate points on his new credit card 😳

9.

@laurafleur I had one where the guy 'revealed' he had been in a boyband and his father was a lord. He took three phone calls. I left.

10. "We immediately hit it off – he was funny, intelligent, and fairly cute. After dinner, we began kissing in his living room."

"When he tried to take it further, I made it clear that I wasn't ready. In response, he immediately unzipped his pants, whipped it out, and began furiously masturbating in front of me. – As told to Awful First Dates

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11.

@laurafleur went on a date with a lad who just argued with me constantly about stuff he didn't know about

12.

@laurafleur one guy spent 15 mins (15 literal minutes) explaining how deal or no deal works. Weakest chat in the game.

13. "Me and a mate met some girls in a pub and got the digits. He actually had a girlfriend so said I could text the one I fancied."

"Did that, set up a date, met her in the bar, and she goes, 'Oh, sorry. I thought you were the other one.' I still had a go, mind." – Alan White, BuzzFeed UK news reporter

14. "When I was 16 I went out with a cowboy (we have a lot where I'm from in Texas)."

"I accidentally sat on his favourite cowboy hat and he freaked out. He started yelling and decided that it was best to take me home. The most ridiculous 15-minute date of my life." – Anonymous

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15. "When I picked him up, he'd just gotten a hamburger and chips, and proceeded to eat them in my car. (I thought we were going for a meal, so I hadn't eaten.)"

"Then he asked if we could make a quick stop, so I followed his directions, and we ended up at his pot dealer's house. I sat there for an hour watching them smoke before I stood up and announced that I was leaving. He asked for a ride home and I said OK. Before he got out of the car, he asked, 'Can I touch you "down there"? Needless to say, the answer was no." – As told to Awful First Dates

16.

@laurafleur Nightmare hippy girl who asked what star sign I was at the off, I said I didn't know. Mainly to be facetious.

17.

@laurafleur A guy took me to see Alvin and the Chipmunks. At the ages of 17. With a cinema full of kids. Not romantic or fun

18. "I decided to be more open-minded when internet dating and spoke to a few people who weren't my usual type. Maybe I would be surprised, right? WRONG."

"I ended up on a date with a man who had a tangible streak of misogyny running through everything he said (always a knicker-dropper), from 'women always get free drinks' to his 'hilarious' amateur stand-up routine.

"He spent 15 minutes talking about his GPS watch before I ended the date after an excruciating hour and half and vowed never again to waste my finite life on anyone so dry.

"But then it got worse when I texted him to thank him politely for the date and wish him well but explain there was no chemistry. He replied with, 'How would you feel about a casual affair, to make things more exciting?' I can think of a million more exciting things than a chemistry-free fuck tbh." – Isabelle O'Carroll, writer

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19.

@laurafleur @BuzzFeedUK how about the guy who told me he had a warrant out for his arrest...!

20. "Once I went on a date with a guy and I couldn't drink because I was on antibiotics so I ordered a Diet Coke, and so did he."

"I said, 'Oh, don't worry, you can totally drink,' and he said, 'I WILL, when it's your round.'" – Remee Patel, BuzzFeed UK staff writer

21.

@laurafleur @BuzzFeedUK general bragging about how rich he was then told me I was too young (I'm 20 he was 28) lasted about 90 mins

22.

@laurafleur I went on a date during which the man demanded I guess the average speed a glacier moves each year. He. Wouldnt. Give.Up

23. "I had dinner and great conversation with a man I met online. In front of my apartment, I thanked him again for treating me to dinner, and he asked if he could kiss me goodnight."

"I said yes and we had a hot first kiss. Then he paused to ask if I would be willing to urinate in a glass so he could drink it. I guess I'll have to think about that – from the other side of my locked apartment door! – As told to Awful First Dates

24. "The worst date I had involved travelling from Edinburgh to Glasgow."

"I arrived to discover my online date was actually a 15-year-old. I was 21." – Hilary Wardle, BuzzFeed UK Scotland editor

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