1. You haven't spent this much time getting ready to be around another human being in years.
"No wonder dates are so awful, I actually have to shave."
2. Suddenly every article of clothing you own is the absolute WORST.
"Why is everything I own so disgusting?"
3. You're actually ready to go about an hour ahead of time.
"Why did I think starting to get ready at 3 pm for an 8 pm date was a good idea again?"
4. The butterflies in your stomach are flapping around about as much as the first time you kissed your childhood crush in seventh grade.
"I rather be jumping out of a plane right now."
5. You always wonder what the proper greeting is for the first meeting.
"Do we hug? Shake hands? Bow? WHAT DO I DO?!"
6. The waitress starts to get annoyed that you won't pick out what to order.
"Well we either talk or we awkwardly stare at our menus, so I'm just going to keep talking."
7. Once the free bread comes out you're worried you'll be judge for grabbing a second piece.
"But it comes with the honey butter and it's just SO GOOD damn-it."
8. You have never been (or acted) so enthusiastic about someone's favorite color.
"Indigo is your fav? OMG mine too how crazy!"
9. Suddenly that pot of coffee you downed nervously is hitting you hard.
"Why did I decide this was the best way to wash down my T-Bell from lunch? Why did I even have T-Bell at lunch?!"
10. You hope your date doesn't think you're going to the bathroom to send the S.O.S. signal to your bestie (even if you are).
"I must take no longer than three minutes or they'll start to get suspicious."
11. Dinner is finally served and you have never eaten more slowly in your entire life.
"Must not look like a pig. Must not look like a pig."
12. You eat about half the normal amount of food as you would normally would.
"Seriously I can't look like a pig."
13. In an attempt to eat less (and to calm your nerves) you find that you start drinking your wine a little too fast.
"Oh no I just drank most of that bottle….."
14. The check finally comes and then the awkward standoff begins (why is there no standard?).
"Do I pay? Should I offer to pay? If they don't pay this will be our last date ever."
15. As the date winds down you face the same problem as when you first met, except this time it is about 20 times worse.
"Good night hug? Good night kiss? Should we invent a secret handshake? Why is this so confusing?!"
16. Once alone you order a pizza (you're starving!), and stare at your phone wondering when its appropriate to send a text.
"Is five minutes after the date too soon? That's probably too soon right? Maybe I'll just wait a week instead."
17. And you pray that things go well so you can avoid the first date trauma for a while.
"Me and first dates. I can't even."