Glasgow-based comedian Limmy (Brian Limond) has been a Scottish comedy icon since his web animations and podcasts picked up a following back in the mid-2000s. Limmy's Show – his BAFTA award-winning BBC Scotland sketch series – was a big hit north of the border, and he followed that with appearances on Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe, and The IT Crowd. He then turned his attention to writing; his first short story collection, Daft Wee Stories, came out in 2015, and he's just released a second collection called That's Your Lot.
Limmy's stories and sketches often feature characters who aren't having a particularly easy time of things, like woebegone TV phone quiz host Falconhoof. With that in mind, we thought he'd be perfectly placed to be our agony uncle, and give the staff of BuzzFeed UK some down-to-earth life advice. Of course, things naturally got quite controversial. Take it away, Limmy.
"Dear Limmy. Everyone is too career-focused in London, so dating isn't their top priority. How am I supposed to find love in this crazy city?"
Limmy: Just stick to wanking, because eventually we all return to that anyway once we’re settled in and bored with the relationship. You don’t need anybody.
"Dear Limmy, my girlfriend says she's bored with our relationship and wants to break up with me. I'm gutted. How can I get her to stay?"
Limmy: Give her some money. £100, £200, £500, however much it takes. Just ask her “How much for you to stay?” That’s it, like a job. A couple of grand just to hang about or meet up during the week for a drink. That should do it.
“Dear Limmy, I’m in my thirties and feel crap about getting older. Should I get cosmetic surgery? If not, what do you recommend?"
Limmy: I think everybody in the world should agree to no care about anything. But we'll all have to do it at the same time. Nobody can care about old age, or fucking losing their hair, or putting on a bit of fucking weight, or getting wrinkly, or anything like that. But we’d have to all agree to stop caring all at the same time, or it wouldn’t work.
That goes for clothes too: You should be able to walk around in your pyjamas with fucking stuff dribbling down them, bits of egg. But if one person cares it’ll ruin it for everyone. So use your power to start that movement and get everyone involved.
"Dear Limmy, I've been feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed at work. How can I get people to notice that I'm having a hard time?"
Limmy: Piss yourself. Do that. You’re no hurting yourself – it’s a big enough thing to show that there's something wrong, but you’re not doing any real damage. People will sympathise with you because an adult doesn’t usually do that. And if they don’t see you piss yourself, they’ll smell it. Make sure it’s that sort of dehydrated, pungent, brown piss.
"Dear Limmy. My next-door neighbour keeps walking around in the nude with their curtains wide open. What should I do?"
Limmy: It depends if it's a man or not. If it’s a guy with nae clothes on, he should get the jail, but if it’s a lassie with nothing on, you should get the jail for spying on her. So if it’s a man, get him fucking jailed, and if it’s a girl, hand yourself in to the station.
"Dear Limmy, I'm in my forties and still live at home. I like it, but my friends keep taking the piss out of me. What should I say to them?"
Limmy: You've probably got more money than they have. They're paying rent and mortgages, aw that; you've got your mum and your teddies. So don't say anything – keep it bottled up inside. Keep all your happiness inside, because if you let your happiness out by trying to show them some of your happiness, you're losing some of it. Keep it all in.
"Dear Limmy, my mother-in-law knows I'm vegetarian, but every time I go round to my her house she cooks meat. What should I do?"
Limmy: If she's got any pets, kill her pets. And just say, "If you don't care I don't care."
"Dear Limmy, I'm a woman in my thirties and I'm really not sure if I want to have kids. Could you please make the decision for me?"
Limmy: I'd say...don't. Then you can get older, regret it, look back and say, "Oh, I've watched all the other weans grow up, everyone's got their families around them, and I've got nothing. I just wish I'd done things differently..." and then you die. Nurture that deep, powerful regret instead. It's a lot more meaningful than having a wean and a family.
"Dear Limmy, my hubby recently read 50 Shades of Grey and bought some bondage gear. How do I tell him I don't want to try BDSM?"
Limmy: Tell him to shove his whips and chains up his arse. That's what he's into, isn't it? He's happy, you're happy. Win-win.
Thanks for the advice, Limmy! We really appreciate it.
That's Your Lot is Limmy's second collection of short stories and features all-new characters and odd, surreal, and hilariously grim tales. You can buy it here. His associated book tour is now on and ends on 21 June in Glasgow.