1. On trying to drink something and be lazy at the same time:
"So You Think You Can Drink Something Laying Down Without Pouring It All Over Your Face"
2. On stalking someone on social media:
When you're stalking someone's twitter and trying not to favorite any old tweets
3. On trying to get your life together:
trying to turn my life around like
4. On trying to be chill AF:
being cool seems like so much work
5. On having a social life:
Hell yes I want to go to a club. Standing awkwardly in a room isn't the same if I'm not paying for it
6. On things that need to be CREATED:
We need a sarcasm font.
7. On having a bad day:
hi mom can you come pick me up from life
8. On cleaning your home:
Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, "Cover a smell instead of cleaning it? Yes, I'm ok with that."
9. On romance:
French kissing was probably just invented because people were jealous of what other people were eating.
10. And on love and relationships:
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but eating pizza with them instead.
11. On being an adult:
Adulthood is mostly just faking that you have any idea what you're doing.
12. On living everyday life:
How I feel every day of my life
13. On being HANGRY and having no food:
when the food is taking too long
14. On being scared:
The only way a haunted house could actually scare me is if it were filled with all my relatives asking why I'm still single.
15. On being a friend:
sorry i remembered your cat's name but not your fiancé's
16. On exercising:
Do people who run not know about cars
17. On animals of the world:
What idiot called it a calf and not a mooborn
18. On our fellow Americans:
If you think America is cool, let me remind you that there was an entire year where people posed as Tebow at every fucking wedding.
19. On answering questions properly:
"where did you get that from" me:
20. On going shopping:
Nothing is more terrifying than making eye contact with the guy running that mall kiosk.
21. And on relationships with your family:
Blood is thicker than water, but queso is thicker than both. Your family will never understand you like chips and dips do.
