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55 Thoughts You Have During Every Episode Of "Diners, Drive-Ins, And Dives"

"Did Guy say 'food lube'?! FOOD LUBE?!"

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1. Does he actually drive this car to every restaurant?

2. Why is he yelling at me? What did I do?

3. Can I get to Flavortown using Google Maps?

4. I'm already hungry.

5. He is keeping Ed Hardy in business.

6. WHAT'S UP WITH THE SUNGLASSES ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD, GUY??? That seems counterproductive.

7. First restaurant. YES! My body is ready.

8. Is that even a parking spot?

9. How does he always park so easily? Seems highly unlikely.

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10. Are these people being paid to eat?

11. I want to be paid to eat.

12. God I am starving.

13. My only goal in life is to be in a restaurant when they start filming an episode for this show.

14. I wonder if they have to pay for all this food.

15. Where does Guy Fieri shop? I'm guessing the Buckle.

16. I should buy a restaurant.

17. I could be a chef, right?

18. If I ate that much salt I would bloat like a beach ball.

19. This meat is gonna take four days to cook?! IT BETTER BE GOOD.

20. I don't know if any food is worth waiting four days for.

21. JK. This looks fucking juicy. I'm so turned on. Is that weird?

22. I am inspired to cook now. Or at least go to this restaurant and have someone cook for me.

23. OMG, did Guy just say "food lube"?! FOOD LUBE?!

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24. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

25. Do you think his producers have ever told him to chill, or have they given up at this point?

26. He eats just like I do when no one is around to judge me.

27. My mom always taught me never to speak with my mouth full. Guy and I don't have the same mom.

28. God I am STARVING.

29. I don't even like brisket but it looks so good.


31. Résumé Objective: Drive to restaurants and eat their food for free.

32. How many bottles of bleach die in the making of one episode? Get it? His hair.

33. Does he ever just eat the food and go like, "Meh, it's OK, I guess?"

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34. How many miles does his car have on it??

35. Surely 200,000 at least.

36. Does he ever put the top up? How has it never gotten stolen?

37. I need to go to *insert city here* ASAP.

38. This already sounds so good.

39. This show is one big Yelp review.

40. I just audibly moaned at a piece of toast.

41. What the hell did I even eat for dinner? It was trash.

42. Why didn't I ever learn how to cook?

43. I feel like these chefs just dump every single ingredient they have in their kitchen into a bowl and hope it tastes good.

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44. And judging by how it turned out, IT MUST TASTE GOOD.

45. I don't even know what half these ingredients are.

46. But I also don't really care.

47. Why does Guy keep looking at me through the camera?

48. Guy is flirting with the chef and I'm VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

49. He's yelling at her now.

50. Love is fleeting.

51. Do other restaurants ever steal any of these recipes?

52. Oh, now he's yelling at me again.

53. It's over and my stomach feels empty.

54. I don't know why I even watch this show.

55. But I'll definitely watch it again tomorrow.

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