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This Is What It's Like To Work At Lisa Vanderpump's Restaurant

Brittany and Ariana taught me how to be a SUR-ver.

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I've been watching since the show debuted in 2013 and haven't stopped since. Partly because I have no life, but mainly because this show is amazing.

Ever since I moved to Los Angeles three years ago, I've dreamed of a world where I can go to SUR and pretend to be a part of the cast. In fact, I routinely eat there in the hopes of running into the cast. Whatever. But recently, my dream came true.

I arrived at SUR on the night of my shift and immediately started posing for pictures outside.

Macey J. Foronda for BuzzFeed

Several things happened. 1) I was not alone — there were other people posing in front of the restaurant trying to steal MY SHINE. 2) I was disappointed to discover that it was nearly impossible to fit the sign that said "SUR" into my picture, and what the hell was the point if people didn't know where I was?!

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Suddenly it was all happening and I knew that the natural next step would be to re-enact the opening scene of the show by carrying a tray of glasses and spinning around looking cool as hell and not spilling anything. Like this:

SPOILER ALERT: IT DID NOT GO WELL.

Macey J. Foronda for BuzzFeed

I shattered several glasses, and Lisa definitely would have fired me. Of course I found out AFTER I shattered the glasses that they glue the glasses down for the intro. Duh.

But I did get a sweet Insta out of it, so it was worth it.

Instagram: @laraeparker

It was finally time to start my shift — and luckily for me, Brittany was there to train me.

Macey J. Foronda for BuzzFeed

I had so many questions for her — like, when people say "SUR Restaurant" are they saying "sexy unique restaurant restaurant"? And does she call Jax by his real name, Jason? But instead, she taught me the importance of memorizing the daily specials (they ALWAYS have specials) and knowing exactly how Ken and Lisa like things, because apparently they show up a lot. My nightmare and dream come true.

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Once she showed me the ropes, I was able to SUR-ve my first table, and they ordered the *iconic* goat cheese balls.

Macey J. Foronda

I delivered them without dropping them and I even managed to hide my shock at the fact that you only get three goat cheese balls. That's not nearly enough.

After that, it was time to polish glasses. I found out that they aren't just using those cloth napkins to polish the glasses. They dip them in alcohol and clean the glasses that way.

Then it was time to learn how to make drinks because alcohol is such an integral part of this legendary show. Ariana, queen of being relatively drama-free despite being a cast member, was there to show me how to make their best-seller. It's called the Big Pinky. Of course.

Macey J. Foronda for BuzzFeed

In case you're wondering how to make this drink, you muddle some lime wedges, mint leaves, and simple syrup in a pint glass. Then you add exactly 2 oz of Vanderpump Vodka and some cranberry juice. SHAKE THAT SHIT, and then top with club soda. Drink and then fight with your co-workers in a back alley.

After serving exactly one table and making exactly one drink I was exhausted, so I headed to the back alley for my break. Ariana and Brittany were there and we pretended to have a fight and it was the greatest moment of my life.

Things I Learned:

1. The reason they can balance those glasses in the opening scene is because they are glued down. Everything in my life has been a lie.

2. If you order the goat cheese balls you only get three of them, so go ahead and put in three orders.

3. Peter 100% works there and was actually there during my shift managing shit or whatever.

4. The best time to go to SUR is right at 5 p.m. on a Monday after Super Bowl Sunday because you beat the crowd.

5. Brittany is just as nice as she seems on TV.

6. And Ariana is a dream.

7. The back alley is quite literally just a back alley with a couple of old chairs and a random table.

8. SUR waiters and waitresses usually don't have to refill water glasses — they have runners that do that for them. This explains why they have so much time to argue with each other while at work.

9. The dresses are more comfortable than I imagined. I wish I were given a purse. Still mad.

10. Bartenders do not have to wear the iconic dress. They just have to wear black. Seems kind of unfair, but sign me up to be a bartender.

11. Still unclear on if people actually say "sexy unique restaurant restaurant."

12. I am not cut out for this business.

13. But I wish I were.

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