1. "So, are you dating anyone?"
If I were would that be your business? No. Bye.
2. "When was the last time you went on a date?"
AGAIN, how is this your business?
3. "Are you putting yourself out there?"
Nope, never.
4. "Have you tried Tinder?"
Gee, what a great idea!
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5. "What about Match.com?"
Is this real life?
6. "Do you ever get lonely?"
Do YOU ever get lonely? What the hell kind of question is this?
7. "Can I have your plus-one seat at the wedding for someone else?"
I hate you.
8. "Can I set you up?"
Please don't.
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9. "Are you being too picky?"
I like to call it "having standards."
10. "Have you prayed about it?"
WHAT, like this is some sort of medical condition? Jesus.
11. "Does it bother you that most of your friends are married?"
NO IT'S TOTALLY FINE, THANKS FOR ASKING.
12. "When can I expect grandchildren/nieces/nephews out of you?"
MAYBE NEVER IF YOU KEEP ASKING.
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13. "Are you giving off the right signals?"
What are all these signals you people keep talking about? Not sure how I can be any clearer.
14. "What about _____, wasn't that who you dated for a while?"
WE BROKE UP FOR A REASON.
15. "You're like a modern Carrie Bradshaw, aren't you?!"
Don't ever compare me to her again. I would never choose Big over Aidan.
16. "How hasn't anyone snatched you up yet?"
THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION.
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17. "Is your biological clock ticking?"
Well it WASN'T.
18. "Don't you want to have kids?"
Are you implying that I'm running out of time?
19. "Are you next?" —people at weddings
I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I KNOW.
20. "Is this your boyfriend?"
Yes, every man who I talk to is my boyfriend.
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21. "Isn't it so fun being single though?!"
Yeah, I'm having an absolute blast.
22. "When did your parents get married?"
HOW IS THIS RELEVANT?
23. "Are you being too forward?"
More dating advice from you, please. Really. It's so enlightening.
24. "Have you thought about freezing your eggs?"
We're done here. Bye. Forever.
