Kevin Gnapoor aka Kevin G. was living his best life in high school. He was on his way to getting a great academic scholarship, having a bangin' side career as an MC, and landing the girl of his dreams.
That is...until Cady Heron arrived at his high school. This is the story of Mean Girls as told by Kevin G., math enthusiast and badass MC.
Kevin had been in love with Janis Ian since the seventh grade. He had watched from afar as she had moved away, and waited with bated breath until she returned.
For MONTHS, he had been planning his entrance back into Janis's life. Right when he felt like he finally got up the courage, new girl showed up. And just like that, she was in Janis's life. Kevin was confused. He didn't know what to do.
He watched as Janis and Damian took this new girl under their wings, literally, as he had only hoped would happen to him for the past three years.
As seemingly everyone in school began to discuss the fresh new meat, he told himself it didn't matter. His life wouldn't be affected much more.
But then the worst happened...even the Mathletes were talking about her. Kevin knew he had to act quickly before his dream of a Mathlete jacket was ruined forever. So he began to devise a plan.
He wanted two things out of his junior year of high school; 1) to win a Mathlete competition and 2) to make Janis Ian fall for him. And NO ONE, not even a new girl named after a golf club carrier, was going to stop him.
When he got to his FAVORITE class that day, he noticed with disdain that the new girl sat next to him. And even worse, she was GOOD at math. Like, really good. He began to write her a note, welcoming her to the new school. He needed to befriend her.
Suddenly, he could see it all. If he could get Cady to join the Mathletes, he could successfully get closer to Janis AND win the competition. He was going to kill two birds with one stone.
But before he could pass the note, he saw her look as Aaron Samuels, aka proof that god isn't real, turned toward her. He crumpled up his note and shoved it in his pocket because he refused to litter. He needed time to think.
Later that day at lunch, he watched as the Plastic bags spoke to Cady. He got nervous, but forced himself to remain calm, trusting that someone who was so good at calculus couldn't be so bad at judging character.
He had figured out what he needed to do. Until then, all he could do was watch and wait.
He approached the target, when he knew Ms. Norbury was in earshot, and planted the seed. He had invited Cady to join Mathletes.
As time lingered on, he began to grow impatient. Why wasn't Cady on Mathletes yet? He realized that the Plastics were the problem.
He watched as she pretended to have no idea what she was talking about in class, and contemplated throwing his pen at her. But it was his favorite pen, so he just watched.
As he listened to her embarrass herself while being invited to a Halloween bash, he knew his patience literally didn't exist anymore.
So he invited her to another Mathlete event, this time when Ms. Norbury was LITERALLY RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. Cady was shocked, but walked out never to return. He focused on equations and told himself not to give up.
Before he knew it, it was time for the Winter Talent Show. He was determined to stop thinking about how Cady was ruining his junior year, and just focus on his possible music career.
But then he saw Janis backstage and couldn't help himself — he spit game. And suddenly, he was back in the game.
With more incentive than ever before, he began to pay more attention to the conversations Cady and Aaron had. He knew he would still ace calculus anyway.
He heard Cady invite Aaron to a party at her house. He knew he had to go.
Once at the party, he played it cool with Cady and let it slip that he was into women of color. He hoped she would pass on the information to Janis.
After talking with Cady, he *67 called Janis and told her that Cady was having a party, hoping that she would show up and stay for a while.
But when she showed up, it didn't go at all as he expected it would. He was disappointed, but it was a minor setback.
The next day, he told Ms. Norbury that they really needed a female on the Mathletes. And Ms. Norbury became the ultimate wingman.
Thanks to Ms. Norbury, Cady joined the Mathletes, and when it finally came time for the Mathlete competition, Kevin put his game face on. He had come so far, there was no going back now.
He knew the other team had no chance, because he was Kevin G.
And just like he had predicted, Cady helped the Mathletes win the title. THE NORTH SHORE MATHLETES WERE THE CHAMPS. Kevin was thrilled.
He put on his new jacket and began to envision the rest of his night. THIS WAS HIS NIGHT. It was all finally happening.
He walked into the Spring Fling and focused his eyes on HIS soon-to-be-fling, Janis.
He went in for the kill, and with his newfound Mathlete confidence, he found success. He couldn't be stopped.
And just like that, Kevin got everything that he wanted. PLAN: COMPLETE.
All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on Kevin G...remember that.