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I, A 25-Year-Old Woman, Watched "Twilight" For The First Time And Had A Lot Of Thoughts

Please burn Jacob's wig. Thanks.

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Hi there, my name is Lara and I am 25 years old. When I was in high school, the Twilight series was everythinggggg. I, of course, read all of the books, but by the time the movies came around I was too burned out from the name "Renesmee" to bother seeing the FIVE movies.

Ashley Roy

I wasn't too burned out, however, to enjoy a post of Mr. Jacob Black in my college dorm in 2009. Whatever.

But the time has now come for me to watch these movies and relive my teenage years. Come along on this journey with me.

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1. All right, let’s do this. I feel 16 already.

2. Wow it’s been 20 seconds and I’m already dizzy as fuck. Worried about this deer.

3. Is that Edward hunting a deer? Already? FORESHADOWING, AMIRITE??

4. Omg, Kristen Stewart looks so young.

5. Isn’t this Phil guy a little old to be playing minor league baseball...?

6. Forks seems *kind of* miserable. But at least Bella brought along a cactus. That should help.

7. Are you telling me that Bella dug up a goddamn cactus to fly on the plane with her?

8. IDK, I can't get over this cactus.

9. Oh my GOD Jacob’s hair, hahahahah, this can’t be real.

10. Charlie, it’s fine to be excited that your daughter is coming to stay with you. No need to act “cool” about it.

11. Wow, first day of high school in a new town where it constantly rains...no fucking thank you. High school is awkward enough, don’t need rain hair to help with that.

12. Eric seems nice even if he is wearing a suit to high school for seemingly no reason.

13. Bella freaking out about the newspaper — we get it, Bella, you’re shy.

14. Oh my GOD is that Anna Kendrick??!? Lmaoooo.

15. “Aren’t people from Arizona supposed to be, like, really tan?” OK, Karen from Mean Girls.

16. OK umm several boys fighting over Bella’s attention in high school is not relatable to me at all. Where is the acne??? The concealer that doesn’t quite match your skin tone trying to hide it??

17. Oh shit, the Cullens are here!!

18. Wait, no one would ACTUALLY believe that these people are in high school still, right?

19. OK, whatever, I’ll say it. Edward is pretty hot.

20. But can Edward chill in this biology class? I know he like smells her blood or whatever but maybe calm down on the glaring.

21. Also Edward is literally a vampire and has been in high school for 50 years or something so why not just say you have a stomachache and leave the class??? I did that a lot and I wasn’t even lusting after someone’s blood.

22. Edward trying to transfer classes in MARCH as if that’s even a thing… Someone who’s taken high school 100 times should know better, Eddie.

23. Rosalie WOULD drive a convertible in a city that rains like 340 days a year.

24. Oh the bad vampires are here I guess, killing people in warehouses. Bella is surely gonna fuck this up somehow.

25. Some "animal" apparently killed a person and Charlie is acting like it’s 100% fine. “You’re not in Phoenix anymore, Bells”… Aren’t there like, scorpions in Phoenix, Charlie? Washington isn’t the only place with dangerous animals. I mean, have you ever heard of AUSTRALIA???

26. It was very nice of Charlie to get Bella new tires but pretty sure they ain’t gonna do shit for this truck in snow.

27. Mike is literally the worst. Can you not spray your rain-hat all over people, what the hell is wrong with you?

28. YES BELLA, you tell Eddie you knew the damn thing was prophase. How dare he question you.

29. OK WHICH ONE IS THE VAMPIRE?? I’m getting confused because Bella looks ready to pounce on Edward and drink his blood, tbh.

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30. Holy shit, this man is going to run over Bella. Never trust a high school student who puts rims on a van.

31. I guess I get why Bella loves Edward now. Saving her life and shit. Pretty hot on the hot scale. Better than opening the door on a first date.

32. Did no one see Edward leave though…?

33. Omg HELLO DR. CULLEN, I am suddenly feeling quite sick and out of breath, might need CPR.

34. “I was standing right next to you, Bella.” Is Edward gaslighting Bella right now???

35. “Well nobody is going to believe you, so...” What a typical man thing to say. I BELIEVE YOU, BELLA.

36. Edward is so emo. I’m sure he spends half his time listening to Hawthorne Heights. “I hope you enjoy disappointment.” CALM DOWN, EDDIE.

37. UM, what the fuck???? Is Edward just standing there watching Bella sleep???

38. I kind of *almost* feel bad for Mike because he’s trying to ask Bella to prom and she is straight-up ignoring him to stare at Edward. But also, I get it. Would probably do the same.

39. All right, not only is Edward staring at Bella while she sleeps, he’s also eavesdropping on her conversations about going to Jacksonville. S t a l k e r. (But I’m kind of into it.)

40. I love that Edward just hunted Bella down in the parking lot after the field trip to tell her they can’t be friends. That’s like calling someone and telling them not to talk to you.

41. I know the Cullens don’t want people knowing they’re vampires or whatever, but do they really need to order food in the cafeteria every day just to waste it? What the HELL, Cullens? You're the ones who are immortal, you're gonna have to live with this planet long after you ruin it.

42. Edward is actually talking to Bella for once while she gets a salad from her school’s SALAD BAR. Why didn’t I go to high school at Forks?

43. For not wanting Bella to know what’s happening, Edward is dropping some pretty serious hints about “being the bad guy.”

44. I don’t blame Edward for not going to the beach with Bella. First of all, Mike is there. Second of all, IT’S NOT EVEN WARM AND SUNNY.

45. Oh great, Jacob and his fucking wig are back.

46. Jacob just dropped a serious bomb on Bella about the Cullens being in a cultural war with treaties and shit and then says, “It’s just a story Bella, lol, chill.” OK. Sure.

47. This man in the boat is definitely going to die.

48. It’s kinda rude that vampires are so attractive honestly.

49. Good lord, women can’t even try on prom dresses in a store without being catcalled.

50. Omg fuck these guys. End misogyny.

51. For having just saved Bella’s life, Edward sure seems to be trying to kill her with his damn driving skills. I mean, we get it, you’re a vampire or whatever but you can drive slower.

52. Bella acting like she’s about to leave her untouched mushroom ravioli has me stressed out. JUST TELL HER YOU’RE A VAMPIRE ALREADY, MY GOD.

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53. Bella researching all these vampire legends is like reading the scariest Wikipedia pages before bed: NOT A GOOD IDEA.

54. Oh shit, I think Bella is about to confront Edward. FINALLY.

55. “You won’t hurt me,” says Bella to the VAMPIRE she’s known all of one month now.

56. Now he’s taking her to the sunlight to show her his glitter lotion from Bath and Body Works circa 2005.

57. Edward out here throwing trees in the woods like men throwing weights in the gym, WE GET IT YOU’RE STRONG.

58. Also, what is he trying to do here? Is he trying to seduce her or kill her? I’m honestly not sure.

59. Bella, he literally just told you he’s never wanted to drink someone’s blood more and your ass is still trying to kiss him? Can you value your life a little bit more, PLEASE?

60. “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.” Why do I feel like crying?!?!?!

Am I OK? Also how are they already in love? I mean…isn’t it more like lust at this point?

61. Suddenly I am filled with the desire to lie in a field of grass with a boy. Goddamn this movie.

62. If human blood is anything like sugar, I’m pretty sure I’d be murdering humans left and right as a vampire.

63. Wow, Edward and Billy the Secret Werewolf’s first run-in, I’m here for this drama.

64. Andddd Jacob still has a terrible wig. I almost feel sorry for him at this point.

65. Jacob loves Bella, Edward loves Bella, Mike loves Bella. Who the hell IS Bella?

66. OK UM THE CULLENS' HOUSE IS AMAZING. Would choose it if I were on House Hunters, even if it was out of budget.

67. Rosalie seems like the only sane vampire so far. OBVIOUSLY IT’S INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS FOR EDWARD TO DATE SOME RANDOM 17-YEAR-OLD HUMAN. THANK YOU. Would befriend her if she wouldn’t eat me.

68. Oh.my.god did he just call her a spidermonkey??? Omgomgomgomg WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

69. I hate this. I love this. I hate this so much. Yet, I love it. This is hell.

70. Bella has pretty much proven herself to be Clumsy AF,™ yet Edward brings her to the top of a damn tree …seems safe.

71. Oh cool, back at school all of two seconds and here’s Mike again inserting his opinion when literally no one asked for it.

72. Also, MIKE, the only person looking at Bella like they wanna eat her is literally you.

73. Does Edward understand the concept of privacy? For a dude who's over 100 years old...he's got a lot to learn. First rule of watching someone sleep: YOU DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT IT.

74. Charlie cleaning his gun while drinking beer is the most stereotypical American thing I've ever seen in my life.

75. Bella, he literally told you to stay still so that he doesn't kill you and you casually mounted him. I mean, I get it, but like…your life is in danger??

76. Edward just shook Charlie’s hand and I’m confused because isn’t his hand cold as ice, LITERALLY?

77. OK, this is the most I’ve ever enjoyed watching baseball.

78. Oh dear lord, did Rosalie just refer to Emmett as her “monkey-man”??!?

79. I want to die.

80. Ugh, these damn bad vampires again ruining everything. Edward looks pissed and James is creepy as fuckkkk.

81. OK I know it’s a scary situation or whatever but Bella's scared face is hilarious.

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82. “We have to kill him, rip him apart, and burn the pieces.” Casual.

83. This interaction between Bella and her father is breaking my cold heart into pieces. And for the RECORD, Bella, steak and cobbler every night sounds delicious.

84. “Bella, come on, I just got you back.” Wow crying. I hate this movie. Also, what father lets their 17-year-old daughter drive off to Phoenix IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?????

85. Rosalie is not having ANY of this plan and, like, I get it. Is it bad that I relate most to Rosalie??

86. Goddamnit, Bella. Please don’t fall for this.

87. She fell for it.

88. Bella pulling out her pepper spray when she’s alone on a dark night is all of us, really.

89. Were the doors of the ballet studio just magically unlocked or what?

90. Omg James filming this is some weird-ass shit.

91. Thank god Edward showed up. Where is Victoria???

92. This fight scene is stressing me the HELL OUT. WHERE IS THE REST OF THE FAMILY? I feel like I’m watching MMA.

93. Oh god, he bit Bella. Bella is bleeding a lot. Edward has to suck some sort of venom out of Bella. I need this to be over.

94. OH MY GOD EDWARD LITERALLY JUST RIPPED OFF A PART OF JAMES’ THROAT WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.

95. Edward, gonna need you to stop telling Bella you’re “gonna make her pain go away” AND ACTUALLY MAKE THE DAMN PAIN GO AWAY.

96. I am sweating.

97. Is Bella dead.

98. OK, not dead.

99. Edward, please stop pushing Bella away. Literally five minutes ago you told her she was your life now. MEN. Also, ~foreshadowing~.

100. Jacob and his damn wig are showing up AGAIN this time ruining the prom, which honestly isn't hard. Prom sucks.

101. Jacob is very, very bad at keeping secrets. Gonna need to work on that.

102. Edward is making Bella dance again and honestly it’s so romantic I’m not even kidding. I hate this movie and myself.

103. Bella wants to become a vampire after approximately two months of dating. Same.

104. Oh good lord, is that Victoria??? Girl, get a hobby. What adult would choose to hang out at a high school prom??

105. She doesn't look happy.

106. Wow, it's over. THAT WAS THE ENDING?

107. This movie is pretty terrible.

108. And yet I can't wait to watch the next one.

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