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    11 Famous Movie Sex Scenes Rewritten To Be More Realistic

    Do vampire penises shrink?

    by ,

    1. The Notebook

    Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed

    As Noah and Allie start to undress in the old house, Allie would get tangled up in her bra while tripping over her discarded dress. Noah is so focused on seeing Allie’s glorious breasts for the first time that his leg gets caught in his pants and he falls sideways into the piano. Once they are undressed, Allie would be like, “Noah, you’re super attractive and everything but I’m just not ~there~ yet,” because we know that you can’t just lubricate yourself at the drop of your pants. Noah and Allie would then participate in what we, in 2018, like to refer to as “foreplay.” Once they make their way to the floor, Allie would grab Noah’s discarded boxers to use as a pillow because hardwood floors are hard as fuck and she would wanna focus more on the D and less on the fact that her skull might crack open with the next thrust. Also, when Allie kept nervously talking, Noah would be like, “It’s fine babe, we don’t have to do anything, I respect you and your body.”

    2. Pretty Woman

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    After Vivian slides her way onto the piano, Edward would attempt to penetrate her immediately without any foreplay which would suck for Vivian, but then wouldn't actually matter anyway because Edward's dick couldn't possibly reach her vagina way the heck up there. So, after some awkward fumbling, he’d attempt to pleasure her orally, but then throw his back out in the process because what a fucking awkward angle?! The next day, the poor pianist would be like, “WTF happened to my piano...and what are these stains?!”

    3. Brokeback Mountain

    Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed

    Jack and Ennis would struggle to get their pants off in the tent that’s like two feet tall and probably knock it over in the process — that thing was BARELY standing as it is. Then they’d both realize they could barely get hard because it’s like minus 50 degrees out. Ennis would spit in his hands and realize that is not nearly enough lube to not tear Jack’s butthole, but he’d try it anyway…and fail miserably, bending his dick and screaming bloody murder in the process.

    4. Breaking Dawn

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    Edward and Bella would begin heavily making out in the ocean. Edward would get all shy because the ocean water would be cold and his penis might shrink a bit (do vampire penises shrink? IDK, but in this story they do.) When things get a little too steamy, Edward helps Bella REMOVE her clothing instead of ripping it because ripping perfectly good clothing is wasteful and since vampires are like immortal or whatever, they’d wanna help keep the planet in tip-top shape. Once they get going, Edward would ~finish~ pretty quickly because he’s like 500 years old or whatever, and has been waiting to get sexual with Bella — aka the person he also wants to kill most in this world — for over a year now. But it would be cool, because sometimes you don’t finish near each other, and life goes on. Edward would then help make sure Bella finished as well, then Bella would fall asleep for 11-12 hours and Edward would stare at her because he’s creepy and doesn’t sleep.

    5. Risky Business

    Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed

    Joel and Lana wouldn't actually be alone on the train — a drunk frat guy leaning his head up against a graffiti'd map of the CTA system would puke nearby. Joel and Lana would already be struggling to stand upright (because you know those train cars are anything but steady) and the frat guy's liquid vomit would make its way to them, causing Joel to slip while pulling off Lana's underwear. The underwear would rip, she'd scream, fall over spread eagle, and it would ALL be caught on the CTA's security cameras. And then they'd be fined for public indecency.

    6. Watchmen

    Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed

    When Laurie undresses, it would take her a full 30 minutes to get her outfit off because of all the sweat and patent leather (not a convenient mix!). Nite Owl would also need some extra help getting his costume off because, it’s a friggin’ superhero costume and you know that thing doesn’t just pull-off over your head. By the time they actually start having sex, they’d both be super exhausted. Laurie would have to fake her orgasm because she’d be in a lot of pain from all the buttons and levers in the cockpit digging into her back and butt. Nite Owl would still probably come though, because he’s easy like that. He’d pass out in the captain’s chair and Laurie would be like, "Great, thanks a lot," and pull out her vibrator.

    7. Titanic

    Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed

    As Jack and Rose start heavily making out in the car they'd realize, as Rose hits her head on the roof of the car for the 10th time, that it is actually extremely uncomfortable and not that hot to try to be sexual in a car. They'd also sweat their asses off which sounds hot but would actually kinda smell in the car combined with ~secretion~ so they would have opened the door to cool off. They would then move to the floor or whatever abandoned wall they could find, Rose would need lube, but since it's like 1912 and IDK if lube even existed, she'd just request oral to get her back in the mood after hitting her head so many times. Jack would happily fulfill her request because — again — we all know women can’t get wet and ready at the drop of pants, and eventually they would make it work and we’d be really happy for them...you know, until Jack froze to death. :/

    8. Ghost

    Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed

    In the heat of the moment, Sam and Molly would never take the time to totally wash all that friggin' clay off their hands. Then, of course, the wet clay would get everywhere. EV-ER-Y-WHERE — on butts, in butts, on a dick, on a vag, in the mouth...you get it. As the clay hardened it would make it impossible for penetration, so they'd have to resort to oral, which is cool, but then the dried clay would cause a ton of chaffing and probably rip out their pubes, too. The next day, they'd see all the clay all over their apartment and be like, "why the fuck did we do that?!"

    9. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

    Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed

    When the two couples having sex both start moaning and screaming at the top of their lungs in the middle of the night, security would be called, because SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP. Also, when Aldous starts pulling out insane positions that would not be comfortable for the inside of a vagina, Sarah'd be like, “Hey I know you watch porn or whatever, but this is real life, and this isn’t gonna get me off.” So they'd resume a more enjoyable position for everyone involved. And Sarah would only moan when it actually feels good, which isn’t every two seconds contrary to popular belief.

    10. Skyfall

    Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed

    When James joins Sévérine in the shower, she'd actually be REALLY startled because she’d probably be in the middle of shaving her legs (girl likes wearing high-cut dresses okay?!). Throwing razorblade-caution to the wind, the two would make out, but not without banging their elbows on the glass constantly. James would get water up his nose and try not to choke. They’d also struggle to not slip, fall over, and break their necks, either. After attempting to have sex, they’d realize there was nothing sturdy enough to brace themselves on and eventually give up.

    11. Showgirls

    Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed

    Zack's boner would get caught in his swim trunks because of that weird mesh lining on the inside. After fumbling around for a few minutes to release his dick from the mesh lining, Zack and Nomi's sex in the pool would be incredibly uncomfortable because the water would wash away her ~natural lubrication~. Naomi would do her weird dolphin move thing and Zack’s back would give out, causing his sciatica to flare up. The night would end with a ride to urgent care and Nomi getting a UTI from the pool bacteria.