1. This is the best part of my Monday.
2. Is that sad?
3. That's probably sad, but IDC.
4. AHHH it's starting.
5. I am not ready, I do not have nearly enough wine.
6. Wait, who went home last week?
7. Why can I never remember everyone's names?
8. Where is this house even located?
9. Could I tour it?
10. I should Google this.
11. Where's my wine?
12. Where's your wine?
13. Wait, pour a little bit more: It's the two-on-one dates tonight. We're gonna need it.
14. OMG EVERYONE BE QUIET IT'S STARTING. SHHHHHH.
15. I can't hear what he's thinking about the women while he stares out into the great expanse that is this earth while standing on that cliff.
16. Chris. Fucking. Harrison.
17. Now that's a keeper.
18. I mean, he looks better and better each season.
19. Does he suck out the souls from previous bachelors and use them to make his youth last forever?
20. Someone should call in and ask him that during Bachelor Live.
21. Wow. These "coming up next" previews are insane.
22. Someone's on the floor hyperventilating!
23. Who is it? I can't see.
24. OK, her hair is blonde. That leaves 14 options.
25. These women look amazing for just waking up.
26. Quick question: Is their makeup tattooed on?
27. Chris, just wink once if that's true.
28. OK, no wink. But I still think it might be tattooed on.
29. Wait, which Lauren is this? THERE ARE SO MANY.
30. Oh, it's that Lauren.
31. I like her. She has a sweet face.
32. IT'S GROUP DATE TIME. OMG. OMG. OMG.
33. Ugh, look at that girl over there looking all special that she's on this group date.
34. What's her name again?
35. YOU'RE ALL ON THIS GROUP DATE.
36. Oh, they're going to do an open mic. This won't be awkward at all.
37. I wish Courtney Robertson would come back.
38. I miss her and her shade.
39. Do you think Chris Harrison misses Courtney? Probably.
40. Oh, the other girls do not like that he is on stage with the blonde girl.
41. They're going to be so pissed if she gets the rose for that stunt.
42. If you're going to the kitchen, could you get me some more wine?
43. Also, there's half a wedge of brie left. Bring that, too. I need it.
44. Ugh, everyone has a "connection" on this show. Why doesn't anyone on Tinder ever feel this "connection" with me? HUH?
45. Chris Harrison, you angel.
46. You beautiful, beautiful angel who's hidden your wings in your fitted suit.
47. Ugh, this girl. She's going to be on Bachelor in Paradise for sure.
48. Like, if she isn't offered a spot via Twitter tonight, I promise I won't drink next week. (I hope no one heard me. I'm going to drink next week.)
49. All of their bathing suits are so tiny.
50. SO MANY BUTTS!!!! But not enough Bachelor butts.
51. I mean, if my butt looked that good, I guess I'd wear nothing.
52. Two-on-one time. It's here.
53. And there's the helicopter.
54. I hope they're going to a desert again so one of them can be left behind while the helicopter flies off into the distance.
55. OK, no desert, but there is a jacuzzi here.
56. This is boring.
57. Someone needs to say something ridiculous.
58. Oh, never mind. That did not take long at all.
59. Actually, I'm surprised that it took her this long to tell him that her pet dog died while putting out a fire at a pet shelter.
60. That's a good one.
61. Poor whatshername. She doesn't stand a chance now.
62. Don't cry, whatshername! I'm sure Chris will let you be on Bachelor in Paradise!
63. How many gowns do you think each woman has to bring?
64. Does ABC supply them?
65. Because I don't even own one glittery dress. And, like, they each have 20 of them.
66. I got some wine on my shirt. Shhhhh.
67. Everyone drink every time someone says, "Can I steal him for sec?"
68. OMG three roses left.
69. Oh myyyy godddd this is so awkward, I can't watch.
70. It's not looking good for Lauren #3.
71. She is really pale right now.
72. Oh, there she goes. She's down for the count.
73. AND SHE'S NOT GETTING THE ROSE???
74. This is pure gold.
75. I am Monday drunk.
76. If I was on this show I would be killing it.
77. Wait. Should I sign up for The Bachelor?
78. ** Imagines future as The Bachelorette. **
79. I love Mondays.