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Yes, I Am Eating This Actual Trash Can For Lunch And You Can't Shame Me

My body, my rules.

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Clip Arts / Via cliparts.co

Yes, Becky. Yes, Thomas. And yes, everyone else staring at me in the break room. This trash can IS my lunch. This is a 10 gallon, galvanized steel trash can I found on the street and I plan on eating its contents, and depending on how full I get, the actual can too for lunch. What's your problem? Never seen a person eat out of a trash can before?

No, I'm not a 'free-gan'. I'm not making a statement. I'm just eating this trash can for lunch.

I'm always on the go. I feel like I'm chained to my desk. I think everyone here knows how I feel. I wake up early to get back here, and sometimes in the morning I'm too tired to make a lunch, and that's what happened today. Luckily, I saw this trash can just sitting out and I thought, "Oh, there it is. There's lunch." What is that you're eating, Sarah? A Dannon Whips Vanilla Cheesecake yogurt? That sounds like trash. And when you're done you can just throw it into my can, where it will instantly become trash and I'll eat it. Because I'm eating a trash can for lunch.

Look, I'm a simple guy. I have simple needs. I need to sleep, dream, drink water, and eat. I'm eating a trash can today. I want to go on vacation. I want a raise. I want to smoke a joint and watch seven hours of "Property Brothers: Buying and Selling" or "Fixer Upper". I do not want to watch "House Hunters". They complain about things that are easily changed. "I hate yellow," the idiots say. You can paint a wall! What I'm saying is that yes, Doug, I wish things could be different. I wish trash wasn't so smelly and I wish I hadn't so boldly and aggressively committed to eating the strange contents of a 10-gallon trash can I found on the street. But I need to eat. And right here, right now, it's this trash can.

What is trash anyway? Yes, it's the contents of this can, which I'm eating for lunch. But it's also the world around us. We've created a capitalist-fueled non-stop consumption machine. There are clothes that are referred to as 'throwaway fashion'. There are islands made of garbage, huge, miles long islands, just floating like plastic ice cubes in the middle of the Pacific. The average person in America generates four pounds of garbage a day. 40% of the food in America is thrown away, and never consumed. And yes, it's nauseating to watch anyone eat 10 gallons of trash, but it's also nauseating to think that this miracle of a planet we're on, this ball being shot through space, is treated like nothing.

So look at me with scorn, distain, raised noses. But you can't shame me. Because this is me. This is who I am. Unashamed, raw, and real. If you can't handle me at my worst, you can't have me at my best. This, my eating out of a trash can, is my worst, by the way.

Sure, I'll sign the card for Maggie's birthday. Is anyone bringing a cake to the office? I could go for actual food very badly right now. But I will settle for the cardboard sheet the cake is served on. You should actually recycle cardboard, but if you throw it in my trash can I'll eat it.

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