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Sharks Are Literally Falling From The Sky

Blame the Illuminati.

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John Moore / Getty Images

*looks over shoulder* *beckons you down an alley*

LOOK, MAN. Look. Look at this shit. A shark fell from the sky onto a golf course. Like, a fucking shark. I mean, it's a small shark, sure, kind of more like a fish, but fish are sharks, too, right? No, I have that backward. Sharks are fish. Are sharks mammals? No, that's whales. Mammals will be next. Sure, they'll TELL YOU it was just picked up by a bird or something, but actually: the Illuminati.

Yeah. That's what happened here. Look, ok, quiet — 

*opens manhole*

come down here

*closes manhole*

*lights match*

DON'T LOOK AT THE WALLS. They're watching us. Anyway, follow me. OK, so, what's going on here, I mean, there are sharks falling on to golf courses. Here, look at the shark.




And this is just step one, because, like I said, next it'll be mammals falling from the sky onto golf courses, probably small ones like squirrels and platypuses — they're mammals, right? — and then bigger ones like gorillas and elephants and then HUMANS. This is just how they're going to solidify their power. This is how the Illuminati DOES things. That's how they run *starts ticking off on fingers* 1. the government, 2. the NCAA, 3. the IMF, 4. the UN, 5. the Wu-Tang Clan, 6. the number six, 7. EVERYTHING. This is a sign. Because, like, look, Adam Weishaupt started the Illuminati, right? And then the Jesuits spread it across the world. And the Jesuits are a Catholic order, but the Church doesn't really dig them because they always kind of knew that the Jesuits were foot soldiers for the Illuminati and the Catholic Church and the Illuminati are arch-nemeses because, you know, they're both trying to run the world. And so the fish is a symbol of Christ and the Church, right? So the SHARK is a symbol of the Illuminati because it eats fish. It's the one thing the fish can't deal with, because it's the ultimate predator of the ocean, and, yeah, no, excluding people, yeah, that's outside the natural order — yeah, no, I get it, those things they keep six-packs in, with the rings, they're probably the worst, but — no, I haven't heard of them falling from the sky yet, so let's move on. Yeah. Sharks.

*walks into a cavern* *climbs ladder*

This is my HQ. This is where I fight the Illuminati from.

OK, so, here's the thing — the Illuminati is realllllllllllllll deep now into pro sports, right, because of Jay-Z. I Jay-Z even executive produced the fucking NBA 2K13 game, right? Executive produced a video game? What does that mean? It means ILLUMINATI. And so now he's taking over golf, which is this shark, I mean, he trained it, it's a paratrooper shark TRAINED BY JAY-Z. Pretty soon, golf is going to be the last sport to fall, and then we'll be in serious trouble. That's it. We're done. It's the last straw.

*phone rings*

Hey man, that's my mom, I think dinner's ready. You remember the way out?

H/T Barry Petchesky at Deadspin.