1. Congratulations, human! The New England Patriots just signed free-agent football player/outspoken Christian/American cultural touchstone Tim Tebow, which means that your life just became 300% more Tebow-filled!
Just filed to ESPN: The Patriots are signing QB Tim Tebow and expect him to be in minicamp tomorrow
Of course, Tebow means different things to different people. That’s why I’m here: to help you figure out what attitude toward the Tim Tebow signing is right for you. (You will have to have one; it’s in the Constitution.)
3. If You’re A New England Patriots Fan…
Unlike the Jets, who would give Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen one-year deals if they thought it would get them talked about on sports radio, the Patriots usually don’t do things without some football reason in mind. And, lest we forget, Tebow is one of the greatest players in college-football history and a potentially dynamic athletic presence should he be used for this purpose in a system that makes any sort of sense. It’s unlikely that Tebow gets a ton of snaps as a New England Patriot this year, but he’s a talented runner who could specialize in two-point-conversion and short-yardage attempts, taking some of the beating that Tom Brady would otherwise sustain.
Happiness rating: Three out of Four Smiley Tebows :) :) :)
5. If You’re A Fan Of A Different Team…
Tim Tebow monopolizes the football conversation. This is a matter of public record. And if you cheer for a team that isn’t the New England Patriots, this could irritate you. At the very least, though, this year’s Tim Tebow should play for a relevant team that will hopefully use him in a novel and intriguing way on the football field while minimizing his status as a locker-room and extracurricular distraction. There won’t be a quarterback controversy, because Tom Brady is the Patriots’ quarterback. And the Pats have a history of using talented players in fun new ways. Tebow will annoy you far less in New England than he did in New York and, probably, less than he did in Denver, too, because he was still ostensibly a full-time quarterback then. Who knows: maybe he’ll even be fun to watch! Tim Tebow can be fun to watch.
Happiness rating: Two out of Four Smiley Tebows :) :)
7. If You’re A Jets Fan…
If you’re a Jets fan, then Tebow’s joining the Patriots is the worst thing to happen to you since he “played” for the Jets. Knowing Belichick, the Patriots will find some way, however devious and unnecessarily sadistic, to accrue Tebow at least six touchdowns in the two games during which he’ll face the Jets this year. Those moments will inevitably seal Rex Ryan’s fate as a doomed coach, the team will replace Ryan with Jose Canseco, and the Jets will descend further and further into hell.
Happiness rating: Zero out of Four Smiley Tebows
9. If You’re Not A Football Fan…
Sorry: you’re not escaping this. :(