Haikus For The Most Glorious Facial Hair In Baseball

Baseball is known for its quirky facial hair. And quirky facial hair deserves the quirkiest of poetic forms: haikus.


2. John Axford, Relief Pitcher, Milwaukee Brewers

Getty Images

Pirates once sailed the
Seven Seas, seeking plunder.
Now they play baseball.

3. Brian Wilson, Relief Pitcher, San Francisco Giants


You think it’s a beard.
Brian thinks it’s a weapon
Of mass destruction.

4. Jayson Werth, Outfielder, Washington Nationals

Paul Sancya / AP

Let the animals
Come to me; I am Jayson,
Squirrel whisperer.

5. David Ortiz, Designated Hitter, Boston Red Sox


You can cut diamonds
On the edges of David’s
Beard. Fuck a mustache.

6. Clay Zavada, Relief Pitcher, Cincinnati Reds

Rich Pilling / Getty Images

Clay’s stache can bench more
Than any stache in the league.
Do not mess with it.

7. Manny Ramirez, Designated Hitter, Oakland Athletics

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

Kiss the facial hair,
Manny says. He then eats a
Whole honey-baked ham.

8. Jim Leyland, Manager, Detroit Tigers


Jim Leyland’s mustache
Smells like cigarettes, wisdom.
Drink deeply from it.

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