A Frame-By-Frame Breakdown Of Vladimir Putin’s Staged Hockey Goal

Hours after being inaugurated, Emperor Putin led an amateur team against the “Legends of Russia.” He scored the game-winning shootout goal against a “legendary” goalie. We break it down.

1. Putin stands at center-ice, preparing to attack the goaltender. Slowly.

2. We’ll keep track of how long it takes him to complete his shootout goal. The pressure must be TREMENDOUS.

3. Putin crosses the blue-line and begins cycling through all the different ways he could try and outwit the goalie. Time passed: 37 seconds

4. The goalie comes into view, having moved out from the net. Putin knows he has to act fast. Time passed: 68 seconds

5. The Emperor cuts left, suggesting a forehand attempt. BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT’S TO COME. Time passed: 94 seconds

6. And he swings back across the goalie! (Who, if he cared at all about stopping Putin, would charge now as the Pres crawls by.) Time passed: 158 seconds

7. Putin shoots! Fun fact: the shot itself, including backswing, takes 75 seconds. Time passed: 233 seconds

8. Man, maybe the goalie should at least… react? Like, at least seem to be trying to save the shot?

9. Oh! Well, all right.

10. Anyway, a sleeping 12-year-old could’ve scored this goal, and faster, too. Putin’s full of shi— *gets kidnapped*

11. *silence*

12. And in video form:

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