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A Frame-By-Frame Breakdown Of Vladimir Putin's Staged Hockey Goal

Hours after being inaugurated, Emperor Putin led an amateur team against the "Legends of Russia." He scored the game-winning shootout goal against a "legendary" goalie. We break it down.

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Putin stands at center-ice, preparing to attack the goaltender. Slowly.

We'll keep track of how long it takes him to complete his shootout goal. The pressure must be TREMENDOUS.

Putin crosses the blue-line and begins cycling through all the different ways he could try and outwit the goalie. Time passed: 37 seconds

The goalie comes into view, having moved out from the net. Putin knows he has to act fast. Time passed: 68 seconds

The Emperor cuts left, suggesting a forehand attempt. BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT'S TO COME. Time passed: 94 seconds

And he swings back across the goalie! (Who, if he cared at all about stopping Putin, would charge now as the Pres crawls by.) Time passed: 158 seconds

Putin shoots! Fun fact: the shot itself, including backswing, takes 75 seconds. Time passed: 233 seconds

Man, maybe the goalie should at least... react? Like, at least seem to be trying to save the shot?

Oh! Well, all right.

Anyway, a sleeping 12-year-old could've scored this goal, and faster, too. Putin's full of shi— *gets kidnapped*


And in video form:

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