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21 Epic Athlete Vs. Object Battles

Last night, Amar'e Stoudemire fought a fire extinguisher with his fists. But don't feel too bad, Amar'e — you're not the only guy to attack an object and lose. We've rounded up the best instances of real athlete-on-thing violence and rated them on a scale of 1 to 10 Zambranos, the universal unit of crazy.

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1. Gus Frerotte vs. The Wall (9 Zambranos)

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After scoring a touchdown, Gus celebrated by headbutting a wall. The wall said that if it wanted to deal with this shit, it would move to Berlin.

3. Chris Hanson vs. The Ax (4 Zs) / Via

Chris Hanson hurt himself chopping wood in the Jaguars' locker room, which coach Jack Del Rio kept there for motivational purposes. The ax tried to avoid the fight, but Hanson wouldn't back off.


4. Paolo Diogo vs. The Wedding Ring (6 Zs) / Via

Paolo Diogo jumped into the crowd to celebrate after scoring a goal. His wedding ring got caught on something and tore off his finger. The ring said they'd been moving toward a separation for months.

5. Steve Sparks vs. The Phone Book (5 Zs) / Via

Steve Sparks tried to rip a phone book in half after being inspired by a motivational speaker and popped his shoulder from its socket. The phone book plead self-defense.


9. Clarence Blethen vs. The False Teeth (5 Zs) / Via

Clarence Blethen, a baseball player in the 1920s, carried his false teeth in his back pocket when he played. One game, he slid and they bit him in the ass. That's just what teeth do, the teeth said. (Note: this picture is not of the baseball player Clarence Blethen, I don't think, but that is a nice whip.)

10. Svein Grondalen vs. The Moose (10 Zs) / Via

Soccer player Svein Grondalen RAN INTO A MOOSE. Just, straight up, with his body. The moose had been urging authorities to put up a "Moose Chilling" sign, but they kept telling her it wasn't in the budget. (Side note: yes, a moose isn't technically an "object", but if it's just standing there minding its own business, it counts.)

12. Glenallen Hill vs. The Dream Spider (6 Zs) / Via

Glenallen Hill had a dream that he was swarming with spiders and fell out of bed into a glass table. The glass table tried to tell him that there was no reason for it to be next to his bed.


14. Mark Cavendish vs. The Snowboarding Video Game (5 Zs) / Via

Mark Cavendish fell off a snowboarding video game. Like, the snowboard element. The snowboard warned Cavendish that he wouldn't be able to cut it.

18. Kevin Mitchell vs. The Donut (7 Zs)


Kevin Mitchell microwaved a donut, but forgot about it, so it re-hardened. Then he bit into it and chipped his tooth. The donut had always felt insecure about being glazed instead of powdered.

19. Santiago Canizares vs. The Bottle of Cologne / Via

Santiago Canizares dropped a bottle of cologne on his foot. The bottle of cologne's mother had warned it that this would happen if it hung around athletes.

20. Amar'e Stoudemire vs. The Fire Extinguisher (8 Zs)

Amar'e Stoudemire punched a fire extinguisher last night. The fire extinguisher already has a dangerous job, and it didn't sign up for this.

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