1. On birth control:
The mobile above my daughter's crib is just a whole bunch of NuvaRings. So she remembers how lucky she is.
2. On Tinder:
Tinder isn't a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
3. On the iconic film Frozen:
I watched Frozen without my two year old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms.
4. On his Olympic-level anxiety:
If pure anxiety was an Olympic sport, I'd feel really fucking anxious about all the gold medals I just won like a BOSS.
5. On Billy Ray Cyrus:
Just want to wish Billy Ray Cyrus the most special, magical birthday ever. I love you with all my heart. Also, Happy Birthday to my wife.
6. On dinner meetings:
I'm still trying to get out of dinner meetings I had years ago.
7. On drugs:
They should consider inventing drugs that make you feel better about everyone else too.
8. On chic foodies:
This morning, my daughter said, "quiche" which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole.
9. On the terrible reality of being an adult:
It's important kids eat 5 servings of vegetables daily. Even if childhood is just a dress-rehearsal for extraordinary adult suffering.
10. On the iconic boy band Hanson:
It's difficult... but not impossible to make love while singing MMMbop. I'm sorry for this tweet.
11. On king Zayn:
Zayn isn't on the Graham Norton show with me anymore. I'll still go... But obviously I got my lips done for nothing. #DeadpoolDoesLondon
12. On Fifty Shades of Grey:
My infant daughter's traumatized for life. 50 Shades of Grey = Worst fucking coloring book ever.
13. On the real truth behind bridal parties:
Someone should bottle the unspeakable emotional terrorism between Brides and Maids of Honor. Then pour it on our enemies.
14. On breastfeeding:
It's 2016. I'm not going to start drinking regular milk just because some asshat has a problem with public breastfeeding at the beach.
15. On the stress of politics:
I sometimes confuse watching political coverage with swan-diving into a swimming pool filled with liquid rabies.
16. On fatherhood:
On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom.
17. On Burning Man:
Damn it's hard letting your infant daughter go somewhere alone for the first time. I was a total mess dropping her off at Burning Man.
18. On bachelorhood:
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
19. On sex tapes:
Finally saw Batman V Superman. I misunderstood the marketing because this wasn't a celebrity sex tape.
20. On finding zen:
I can't tell the difference between meditation and silent inner shrieking.
21. On family:
I'm making an oil painting of my sister, Sarah. And it's more difficult than I thought because I don't have a sister.
22. On freezing temperatures:
It's cold in Paris, so the Eiffel Tower is smaller than normal, but still, so beautiful.
23. On taking a little break:
Tip: It's important parents take little "time outs" for themselves too. Even if you feel pretty guilty when you return 14 years later.
24. On chill and hip AF lingo:
My brother used the word, "fleek" in a sentence, and I had trouble listening to the rest of our relationship.
25. On birth control again:
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
26. On meaningful tattoos:
After this morning's diaper, my daughter finally earned the teardrop tattoo on her face.
27. On being responsible:
Being a father means responsibility. Not just for your main family, but also the secret one in Denmark nobody knows about.
28. And finally, on one of the world's greatest treats:
Boys... It's just a milkshake. Get outta my fucking yard.
Never change, Ryan.
