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Anna Kendrick's Hilarious Life Advice Is All You'll Ever Need

"You should text your ex, 'I set another fire last night, it’s starting to make me feel alive.' 'Oh sorry, wrong number.'"

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Anna Kendrick has rightfully taken her throne as Queen of Twitter thanks to her endless supply of dark, relatable tweets that the entire planet can't seem to get enough of. And lucky for us, she's decided to go beyond 140 characters with a collection of hilarious personal essays in her new book Scrappy Little Nobody.

Because no one else knows how to dish out slightly questionable life advice the way Anna does, we had her stop by BuzzFeed NY to give you all some truly expert words of wisdom. You're welcome.

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1. When all the dating apps and the bars fail you, how are you supposed to find your lobster? —Natalie Brown

Anna Kendrick: I’m not sure if that’s a reference to The Lobster, the film with Colin Farrell, or the lobster reference from the television program Friends. Either way, I respect it. I would say try wandering up and down the junk food section of your grocery store and you will find your soulmate. #Guarantee

2. What should you do when you accidentally send a screenshot of a text exchange to the person you were texting? —Anonymous

AK: I’m sorry, you screenshotted a conversation and actually sent it to that same person?! You’re in a pickle, my friend! You know, just start a rumor that there’s glitches, you know, on iPhones or whatever phone you have. Create a couple of websites, log in as a number of people on various forums saying, “Is anybody else having this problem?! We should write a letter to Steve Jobs' ghost!” and, um, that’s the only solution I can think of. That’s quite a situation.

3. What should you say to an ex who keeps texting you and stalking you on social media even though they're in a new relationship? —Anonymous

AK: You should text your ex, “I set another fire last night, it’s starting to make me feel alive.” “Oh sorry, wrong number.”

4. How do you not act awkward around guys you meet for the first time? —francescat43f69b5e5

AK: I would say that you should imagine that you have the spirit of Oprah, and the face of James Marsden — male or female, doesn't matter, you know what I'm saying — and just project that in your daily life.

5. I'm nearly 28 and single; should I feel quirky or concerned? —Anonymous

AK: The age thing, that’s never made sense to me. Like, so you’re single at 28, I’m assuming you have been in relationships and out of relationships. I’m sure there is another 28-year-old somewhere in the universe who is also single. And as I said before, grocery store, down the food aisle.

6. Every day I get up and want to feel hopeful about America, but then reality gives me a swift kick in the uterus. Any advice on keeping up the good fight? —MichellemP

AK: That’s a tough one. But I would say the fact that you said “swift kick in the uterus” makes me feel more hopeful about the country, and hopefully the fact that I enjoy that expression very much gives you some hope.

7. Can you tell us about a time you had to stick up for yourself to get a job or a promotion, and it worked? What did you do? —Natalie Brown

AK: Well, since I still haven’t gotten the script for Pitch Perfect 3, standing up for myself has not been working out. But you guys let me know what I should do to get my hands on it, because I think they’re just ignoring me at this point. I think I might be blocked. #Blocked

8. I want to travel the world, but also I feel like I should start saving my money because I’m in my late twenties — what should I do?! —Chelsea Dickson

AK: You should save your money, not buy anything. Even necessities like toilet paper, that’s a lie — just use leaves from your yard. Sit on a pile of money and die on it and know that you were better!

9. How do you deal with the overwhelming, crippling feeling that is fear of failing at adulting? —MichellemP

AK: Um, I don’t know. If I come up with a way, I will let you know. For now, it’s giving weird dark advice to strangers on BuzzFeed.

10. What’s the best way to leave a date early when you aren’t feeling it? —Ricki Berger

AK: I’m a big fan of the classic, you know, "Ohh, my friend texted me and she is having a girl problem." ’Cause guys don’t really understand what that means. If you are a lesbian, you will have less luck with that.

11. I’ve never had much self-esteem; I’m dealing with major social anxiety, so my love life has been more like a love coma up till now. How could I find a way to pump myself up to be the kind of girl an awesome guy would like? —boz1220

AK: First of all, a love coma sounds awesome! I want to be in a love coma, that’s great. Spend a little more time in that love coma. Love yourself, ’cause to quote RuPaul, "if you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?!"

12. Other than being yourself, what is the best advice you can give in regards to making best friends? —boz1220

AK: I would try just running up to people and saying, “Do you want to be my friend?” and offering them, I don’t know, sex, drugs, alcohol? I don’t know, any of those. I would be your friend!

13. What’s the best way to start a convo with someone you see out at a bar or at an event that you’re into? —Anonymous

AK: My opening line is usually looking over at them and giving that awkward half-smile and hoping they’ll come talk to me, because the half-smile is such that it could be “Hi! You seem friendly and I’m bored.” But also I keep it cool enough that it could be [for] like the person right behind them. So, I like to keep my feelings protected.

14. What do you say to someone who says they aren’t hungry and doesn’t want any of the food, and then as soon as your plate of fries comes they start eating half of them? —Anonymous

AK: Oh, I’ve lost friends that way before. I don’t allow that. I don’t stand for that kind of behavior.

15. What should I name my dog? Conrad, Vladimir, or Graham? —isabelaf462e5f1a8

AK: Well, this depends on what kind of dog it is. If it’s a very, very big dog, Conrad. If it is like a tiny, adorable yappy dog, Vladimir. And if it’s like one of those hairless weird-looking dogs where it seems like it should have a crazy name, give it a nice normal name like Graham so it has a fighting chance.

16. My boyfriend wants to move in after three months of dating. Is that a big mistake? —Anonymous

AK: Is your boyfriend mad at his roommates? Because that seems like a bad reason to do it. But if the sex is really great, then yeah, do it, obviously.

17. I’m going to college and feel as though I will struggle with the change in scenery. Do you have any advice on how to handle leaving your hometown for a larger city? —AnnasSon

AK: Bring books, and DVDs (do y’all still have DVDs? That’s a good question). Um, you know, make sure you still got your ex’s Netflix password. And choose a couple of movies and watch them until you have them memorized and then eventually someone will be more confident than you and then will start a friendship — at least that’s how it happened to me.

18. What’s a better breakfast? A brownie or whole grain cereal? —mwu2288

AK: Well, that depends. If you want to feel good, then I guess the whole grain cereal. But if you want to hate yourself all day, then a brownie. And you know, hating yourself all day is half the reason people create stuff, so.

19. How do I get my family to stop asking me when I'm going to get married and have children? —rebeccajardim

AK: I think you should say that the reason you’re not having a baby is that the water wars are coming because the world is gonna end and that baby would just be food for somebody's stronger, well-equipped baby, and that should shut them up.

20. Any advice for what to do to get yourself out of a slump when you’re feeling unmotivated? —Michelle Sullivan

AK: Um, Red Bull, I guess? I’m not much of a coffee drinker, but I’ve had a couple of those 5-Hour Energies that you get at a gas station, which seems like a great place to be getting your nutritional supplements, and yeah, I cleaned out every drawer in my house, even though it was organized already, so.

21. How do you deal with all the stress of trying to be successful? I’m not in your shoes, but there’s always someone pressuring me to be absolute perfection and nothing else, so how do you deal? —s9northrup

AK: Yes, as a businesswoman, entrepreneur, Ivanka Trump lookalike (we get confused for each other all the time), uh, very high pressure. I would say dye your hair blonde and get your teeth bleached? Seems to be working well for her, and by her, I mean me too.

22. As a fellow tiny person (well, actually, I’m even smaller), how do I get people to stop pointing it out at every chance they get? —kendricksminion

AK:

I’ve found that threatening physical violence is usually a good one. You know, the threat has to include a weapon of some kind, otherwise they won’t believe you, and they would be correct to not believe you because we are very small. But that’s worked for me. Um, acid? Throwing stars? Stuff like that.

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