13. When getting a meal involves any sort of line.
Whether it is a buffet, an office lunch, or a Chipotle, this is particularly tortuous because you get to see the thing you want more than anything — food, so beautiful, so close — and you also have to see other assholes — assholes, stupid, stupid assholes — get to it before you. But unless the line is around the building, or there are old people in it, this usually passes quickly.
12. When you’re cooking something, and it’s supposed to be done, but you look at it and it really needs 30 more minutes.
Finding out that the cooking time for a recipe is actually a stew of lies is a terrible thing, but at the very least your pain and suffering will eventually be rewarded.
But yeah, for the moment, fuck this thing you’re cooking/your crappy oven, they’re both being dicks.
11. 4:00 p.m., while at work.
Unless you have access to a snack, you are capable of profound and terrible things in this horrible dead zone between lunch and dinner. This is the time when it is also too late to go for another coffee break, only compounding your hanger.
10. When you open the fridge, and realize that you left last night’s restaurant leftovers in your car/at the restaurant.
There is no food on earth you crave more and with more self-hatred than the food you could have had if you hadn’t forgotten all about it.
9. When you go in the kitchen, and you realize your roommate ate your food.
The only food that you crave more than the food you forgot at a restaurant, is the food you have rightful ownership of, and was snatched away from you from some hell beast who claims they only did it because they were “drunk” or “poor” and now you and your beloved frozen chicken nuggets, or whatever, will never be together. Never. It is an outrage.
8. 10 minutes after your pizza was supposed to arrive.
There is a grace period on pizza delivery, and it is five minutes. Every minute after that, and your poor pizza guy gets closer and closer to wishing he has just turned around and gone back to Dominoes.
It’s not your fault, pizza should have called. You were really worried about pizza.
6. 2:00 p.m., when you haven’t eaten lunch.
This is one of the worst times for anyone to ask you for a favor, which is bad, because it is the time when you are most likely to be surrounded by co-workers or classmates who will ask for favors. God have mercy on their souls.
4. When you get in line for food, and all of it is gone by the time you get to the front.
Those bitches who took your food before you can get to it are going to be really sorry that they crossed you right after you picked up a fork and a knife.
Because you’re going to stab someone. With the fork and knife. And maybe even with the spoon, if you can figure out a way.
3. 1:00 p.m. on a weekend, right before brunch.
You haven’t had breakfast, you’re likely so hungover that you could die, there’s a good chance that you’ve had to wait at least 20 minutes for a table, and there’s a 300% chance that, the second your name gets called for a table, one of your so-called “friends” will send you a text to let you know that they’ll “be there in 15 minutes.” At which point, you will tell the hostess that your party is all here, and you will delete that friend’s contact info from your phone and pretend they never existed BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD TO YOU.
2. 3:00 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day.
Between the increasingly tantalizing smells, and the death stares from the adults who are yelling at you about not eating anything that could spoil the meal, the hour before Thanksgiving dinner is one of the most thankless hours on earth, and this includes the three hours before a paper is due, and the hour it takes to get anything of worth done at the DMV. WHY IS YOUR FAMILY TORTURING YOU, DON’T THEY LOVE YOU???
1. Four days into a diet.
You have officially been on the diet for long enough where you are no longer excited about losing weight, but you haven’t been on the diet long enough to have actually gotten smaller, which means the diet feels pointless and wrong and terrible AND OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE I HATE MYSELF I NEED FOOD.