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71 Thoughts Every Lady Has When They Really Need A Tampon

Who does my body think I am, Mac-Gynover?

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To begin, hit play:

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1. LA LA LA Gotta go pee!

2. LA LA LA Isn't today a fine day to go to the bathroom?

3. LA LA LA Making eye contact with someone who is just returning from the bathroom, looks like they had a great time peeing!

4. LA LA LA

5. LA LA LA

6. LA LA LA Closing the stall door and sitting on the toilet and pulling down my --

7. oh

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8. shit

9. why do i even buy nice underwear

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10. fuck

11. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

12. ok

13. Maybe if I just… wipe myself down thoroughly, I can get away with not having a tampon?

14. OK, wiping is not really helping.

15. Really

16. Not

17. Helping.

18. JESUS, HOW LONG HAS THIS PERIOD ALREADY BEEN HAPPENING?

19. OK, chill. You're just wiping to buy yourself some time. No need to clean out the entire closet.

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20. OK, I'll just… wrap 8 tons of toilet paper around the crotch of my underwear.

21. OK

22. that

23. oughtta

24. do it.

25. ::standing up:: Aaaaaaannnnnnd the toilet paper has already shifted to the side.

26. Maybe! I'll just take the cardboard tube out of this toilet paper AND ROLL IT UP, AND THEN--

27. wait no

28. no

29. no

30. what am i even saying

31. who do i think i am, Mac-Gynover?

32. I'm just gonna have to ask someone for a tampon.

33. People do this all the time.

34. It's not rocket surgery.

35. Er, rocket science.

36. This is going well.

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37. ::exits stall:: THERE'S ANOTHER LADY IN THE BATHROOM.

38. OK, I'm just gonna ask her for a tampon.

39. Yup.

40. I'm gonna ask her for a tampon.

41. Wait, she doesn't have a purse.

42. Or pockets.

43. Where would she be keeping this extra tampon? In her bra?

44. AAAAAAAND I chickened out.

45. YUP JUST WALKING FUNNY BACK TO MY DESK

46. NOTHING TO SEE HERE

47. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

48. SOMEONE IS MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ME ON THEIR WAY TO THE BATHROOM

49. SMILE

50. PRETEND TO NOT BE WEARING A DIAPER

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51. Who do I know around here who is both likely to have a tampon AND will not be freaked out if I ask them?

52. How do I ask people without everyone hearing?

53. I'm not embarrassed.

54. I just don't really want everyone to know that I'm slowly damaging company property with my uterus.

55. Should I tap them on the shoulder?

56. OK. I'm just going to quietly... tap the shoulder of every lady in this entire company and hope that one of them has a tampon.

57. No, that sounds terrible. That just sounds like the worst version of speed dating, ever.

58. Fuck it, I'm just gonna text everyone within tampon-throwing distance.

59. oh lord i can already tell this makeshift pad is not working out.

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60. Come on.

61. Come on.

62. Someone please answer their phone.

63. Please.

64. Please.

65. NO DON'T-- don't get up from your desk, CHECK YOUR PHONE.

66. DON'T MAKE ME SEND YOU AN E-MAIL.

67. MY TEXT ALERT RANG

68. Stupid iOS, why are you taking forever to load my texts?

69. ::reads:: SUCCESS

70. I'M SAVED

71. ::runs to the bathroom:: Yes, I was just in here, don't even care if you guys think I have diarrhea!

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