Let's rank some millionaire athletes' butts, shall we?
48. Vince Wilfork, #75 -- DT, New England Patriots
This butt gets an A for effort in being a table. It is literally the opposite of a shelf butt. It is a table butt.
47. Stephen Gostowski, #3 -- K, New England Patriots
I'm not super sure how Gostowski even kicks with this total lack of butt muscle. Definitely second-worst butt.
46. Devin McCourty, #32 -- S, New England Patriots
This is a butt that almost looks like it might be a crotch if you look at it zoomed in too closely. Definitely a solid member of the bottom three.
45. Dan Connolly, #63 -- LG, New England Patriots
Another butt that seems reluctant to come out and play. This is obviously impossible to confirm, but the butt receives extra points because it probably contains some very solid compacted muscle in there.
44. Byron Maxwell, #41 -- CB, Seattle Seahawks
This is a really good starter butt. A training-wheels butt, if you will. And we will. Solid effort, and definitely not the worst butt.
43. Tony McDaniel, #99 -- DT, Seattle Seahawks
This butt has some solid ambition. It's a gentleman's C right now. It feels constrained by its present circumstances, but given the chance, it might be able to aspire to a butt more.
42. Rob Ninkovich, #50 -- LE, New England Patriots
This butt is benefitting greatly from the angles at which it mostly appears to be photographed. It's not the flattest of the butts, but stands to improve.
41. Bruce Irvin, #51 -- OLB, Seattle Seahawks
While these are the most clear angles available to this ass, this butt is greatly benefitting from the advantages of camera angles. Dare we say that this butt might have studied many an episode of America's Next Top Model -- it knows how to find its angles, and work with what it has. Definitely the best of the flat butts.
40. Ryan Wendell, #62 -- RG, New England Patriots
This bottom has a very sad case of the long butts: It's a butt that is substantial in length, but it's mostly flat. It also looks like it might be greatly benefitting from that towel.
39. Doug Baldwin, #89 -- Seattle Sehawks
This is a dignified butt, but(t) nothing to write home about. It seems like a butt that might have more fun if it just let loose a little.
38. Kevin Williams, #94 -- DT, Seattle Seahawks
This long butt has a little bit of a curve to it, so it's not quite as tragic as some of the other long butts.
37. Russell Okung, #76 -- LT, Seattle Seahawks
Another disproportionately long butt -- but it's ranked slightly higher than Williams' because when bending over, he manages to come to a decent curve.
36. Nate Solder, #77 -- LT, New England Patriots
A garden variety long butt that distinguishes itself slightly because, as you can see from the first photo, it does present some decent cheek definition.
35. Michael Hoomanawanui, #47 -- TE, New England Patriots
This is a long butt that definitely changes depending on the angle -- from the side, it looks like a decently shaped long butt, but from behind, its lack of definition is clear.
34. Max Unger, #60 -- C, Seattle Seahawks
This is a long butt that truly knows how to work its angles. If you need some solid belfie advice -- Max Unger is probably the one to get it from.
33. J.R. Sweezy, #64 -- RG, Seattle Seahawks
As you can see from the rear angle, this is a long butt that has very strong potential -- note the prominence of the bottom of the buttcheeks. And while this butt, when compared with all other human butts, is strong -- these are Super Bowl butts. The competition is strong.
32. Rob Gronkowski, #87 -- TE, New England Patriots
Surprisingly, Gronk's butt is actually not much to write home about, when isolated from the rest of his body. It has a slight bounce to it, but it just has too much of a quiet, dignified presence to really compete with the top butts at this year's Super Bowl.
31. Ricardo Lockette, #83 -- WR, Seattle Seahawks
The very best of the long butts -- this butt has muscle and fat, and it's definitely making the best of a bad situation. This is probably as good as long butt gets without being solidly middle of the pack.
These are the butts that are fine, but not TRULY standouts:
30. Sebastian Vollmer, #76 -- RT, New England Patriots
This is admittedly somewhat of a mystery butt. It honestly looks more like he's carrying around a book in his back pocket. Since we cannot confirm that this is truly an exceptional butt, but also do not know for sure if it suffers from being too long or too flat, it is relegated to the bottom of the middle.
29. James Carpenter, #77 -- LG, Seattle Seahawks
Not bad. Could be bigger. Fun to look at from the side.
28. Brandon LaFell, #19 -- WR, New England Patriots
Let's be clear. This butt appears flexible, and overall -- when compared with all the butts on Earth -- it's a fairly high-achieving butt. But we can do better.
27. Tom Brady, #12 -- QB, New England Patriots
Honestly? Meh. This butt is fine. It's a perfectly OK butt. It's not this butt's fault that it is attached to a completely insufferable human. It's a little flat, but that happens.
Fun fact: When you search for "Tom Brady ass GIFs," you get only back GIFs when he is BEING an ass.
26. Brandon Browner, #39 -- CB, New England Patriots
Definitely better than Tom Brady's butt. This is an easy call.
25. Darrelle Revis, #24 -- CB, New England Patriots
This butt has an A+ profile. It's got some good ridges. Nice supple texture. But not as much curvature as the best butts.
24. Luke Wilson #82 -- TE, Seattle Seahawks
Insert tight end joke here.
23. Cliff Avril, #56 -- RE, Seattle Seahawks
This butt disappears when fully extended, but while mid-air, it presents a very solid profile.
22. K.J. Wright, #50 -- OLB, Seattle Seahawks
This is a very squeezable butt -- it has a nice size advantage on many of its fellow category members. It's definitely solid in proportion to Wright's body.
21. Kyle Arrington, #25 -- CB, New England Patriots
This butt is virtually indistinguishable from Wright's butt, but it appears to have a little bit more to grab on the bottom of the cheeks.
20. Chris Jones, #94 -- DT, New England Patriots
This is a pretty good larger-sized butt. It is not just an extension of his back, which is a common issue with many larger butts. The achievement of two distinct cheeks places this amongst the better of the middle of the pack butts.
19. Justin Britt, #68 -- RT, Seattle Seahawks
This butt looks like it's a lot of fun to fall on. A solid B+ butt if ever there was one.
18. Julian Edelman, #11 -- WR, New England Patriots
This butt is better in action than it is on the page. It's got a nice wiggle to it, looks like it might be fun to grab handfuls of.
17. Russell Wilson, #3 -- QB, Seattle Seahawks
This butt is a solid C in shape, but lacks that certain je ne sais butt that might make it one of the A-rated asses. But make no mistake: This ass is very nice, and it is definitely better than Tom Brady's butt. In the competition between the two QB's, Russell Wilson's butt wins by a very voluminous margin.
In order for a butt to be considered for an honorable mention, it must be solidly represented in all three dimensions: height, width, and depth. It should excel in all three categories, making it prominent and well-formed.
16. Jamie Collins, #91 -- LB, New England Patriots
This butt was made for action. It's almost a boy band butt in quality, to be honest. It looks good from all angles, which is nice for the people in the cheap seats -- though he does get an ass-ist from his incredibly shapely thighs.
15. Richard Sherman, #25 -- CB, Seattle Seahawks
This is the first of the truly great butts -- this is a seriously good butt. It's a butt that when you look at it in 2D pictures, you definitely feel like you are wearing 3D glasses: a solid quality for any butt.
14. Marshawn Lynch, #24 -- RB, Seattle Seahawks
This butt's only here so it doesn't get fined. Just kidding: It's a good butt, has both width and depth -- it's a butt that is solidly represented in all three dimensions, and is especially fun to watch while he is running.
13. Kam Chancellor, #31 -- SS, Seattle Seahawks
Very studious butt. This is a dean's list badonkadonk that even looks good when in dark pants -- not an easy feat.
12. Bryan Stork, #66 -- C, New England Patriots
This is a very rough-and-tumble bubble butt -- the type of butt you'd want to wear while driving an ATV. It's the type of butt you could see wearing a cowboy hat -- it doesn't look like it worries too much about what other people think about it.
11. Jon Ryan, #9 -- P, Seattle Seahawks
This differences in the shape of this butt (depending on the motion of its owner) make it appear that this butt has a very squeezably soft quality to it. It's not the top special-teams butt on this list, but it's a very respectable third place.
These are the TRULY exceptional butts -- they don't just exist in all three dimensions, they are the MVPs of the bodies that they are attached to:
10. Bobby Wagner, #54 -- MLB, Seattle Seahawks
Look at this bubble butt. Just look at it. Take it in. This is how the masters do it.
Bobby Wagner's butt definitely fulfills all these requirements of having length, width, and height, but isn't as solid of an example as some of the other butts.
9. Shane Vereen, #34 -- RB, New England Patriots
This is a top-tier butt. It is basically a perfect half-moon. That is some serious geometry.
8. Steven Hauschka, #4 -- K, Seattle Seahawks
This is a very prep-school butt -- the kind of butt you could bring home to mom, although you might have to worry about mom stealing it away from you. It's an all-purpose butt -- it would look good in any type of pants situation you could throw at it. Even seersucker!
7. Michael Bennett, #72 -- LE, Seattle Seahawks
This butt looks very good while squatting, and Bennett gets points for effectively working his assets to his advantage. He does work. He deserves credit for that.
6. Ryan Allen, #6 -- P, New England Patriots
This is the Swiss Army knife of butts -- it looks like it is ready for anything: a dance, a pinch, a fall, a good shake, and absolutely a good punt. This is a great example that proves that special-teams butts -- unlike the one belonging to poor Stephen Gostowski -- need not be modest and boring.
5. Dont'a Hightower, #54 -- LB, New England Patriots
This butt is working hard for the money. It's big in both shape and presence. It's excited to be here, and we are very excited to have it.
4. Chandler Jones, #95 -- DE, New England Patriots
This is a great butt. A top-five butt, to be certain -- it's got a GREAT lift to it. You might think it was wearing a butt bra if you didn't know better. Despite being large in size, it has solid definition between the thigh and the cheek.
3. Patrick Chung, #23 -- S, New England Patriots
This butt may not seem like a lot from the side, but from the back it is a Renaissance work of art. Look at that lift! That separation! Those cheeks each get their own zip codes. This is a butt that should be the center of every dance floor it is on.
2. Jermaine Kearse, #15 -- WR, Seattle Seahawks
Damn. This butt gets you places. To the Super Bowl, specifically. It's both bubbly and muscly and an excellent action ass.
1. Earl Thomas III, #29 -- FS, Seattle Seahawks
This is the MVB. It's a butt for all seasons, and fulfills all your butt wishes: It's high, tight, looks grabbable, great in both dark and light pants, and somehow manages to look both muscular and soft all at the same time -- not an easy feat.
This butt has no bad angles -- it's a true leader among bottoms (and has a truly excellent pair of thighs to support it).