Christmas Then Vs. Now
When did Christmas become so much work and responsibility?!
Christmas cards, as a kid: An annual documentation of your humiliation at the hands of your parents.
As an adult: The person with the most ridiculous card WINS.
Christmas music, as a kid: There are a bunch of old Christmas songs that are OK, and then this one REALLY AWESOME MARIAH CAREY SONG.
As an adult: Seriously, how has NO ONE written another top 40 Christmas song in 20 years?
Buying presents, as a kid: Getting money from dad, so that you can buy a present for mom.
As an adult: Going broke buying presents for mom AND dad AND your siblings AND everyone else who surprised with you with a present.
Christmas fears, as a child: Santa (or your parents) will figure out that bad thing you did, and Christmas will be utterly ruined.
As an adult: Dying alone, or even worse, that your S.O. will realize that you are a bad thing for them, and break up with you right before Christmas.
Christmas Eve, as a kid: You stay up all night to try to see if you can catch a glimpse of Santa.
As an adult: You fall asleep on your laptop trying to tick all the things off your Christmas cores list.
Decorations, as a kid: These go up a month or two early.
As an adult: These stay up a month or two late.
Christmas lines, as a kid: Waiting in line at the mall FOREVER to see Santa.
As an adult: Waiting in line at the mall FOREVER for a new iPhone or to return a sweater. That's all you want, why is it so hard?
Christmas morning, as a kid: Is 2:30 a.m. Christmas morning, yet? How about 3:00 a.m.??
As an adult: I don't care who is dying, literally nothing is happening until coffee and food happens.
Look, kids: You're going to be much less mad about all the ugly sweaters you got if you open them up on full tummies.
Surprises on Christmas, as a kid: It's pretty easy to surprise you, since everything is still magical, and you're too short to reach the present closet.
As an adult: In a post-Santa world (sorry, SPOILERS) surprising you is a goddamned amazing feat.
Safe, crowd-pleasing gifts as a kid: Movies on VHS or DVD.
As an adult: Funny T-shirts or accessories based on those movies.
Presents you hate, as a kid: Socks, sweaters, and checks ('cause that ish is going straight into a savings account.)
As an adult: Stuff you don't need.
White Christmas, as a child: Snow is critical. If it doesn't snow, it is a goddamn disaster.
As an adult: Great, now the airport is going to be a post-apocalyptic nightmare.
Christmas sweaters, as an kid: An embarrassing and ridiculous annual tradition that must be endured.
As an adult: Basically Halloween, part two.
Games with relatives, as a kid: Bugging your cool uncle to come play Monopoly with you.
As an adult: Gauging which of your uncles is cool enough to come play Cards Against Humanity with you and your cousins in the basement.
Christmas feast, when you're a kid: Whatever manages to make it into your mouth because you're busy playing N64, OK?
As an adult: An exciting and joyous event that you have been waiting and hoping for ALL DECEMBER LONG!
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