18. Bran Stark
Bran has a pretty good head on his shoulders. Yeah, he probably shouldn’t have climbed that tower. But if you unintentionally started a war every time you disobeyed your parents, people might think you are dumb too.
So, for an orphaned, paralyzed kid, he’s actually doing pretty well, considering that he also has the burden of having Harry Potter-like powers, and no Hogwarts to show him how to deal with it.
Bran receives: ¼ out of 6 HODORS
17. Sansa Stark
Sansa Stark the child may have been dumb, but Sansa Stark the young adult gets smart points for trusting no one, learning from her mistakes (Joffrey) and becoming a very convincing liar (pretending to love Joffrey, pretending that Petyr didn’t murder Lysa).
Also, Sansa is alive, despite all the odds, which is more than some people can say.
Sansa Receives: ½ out 6 HODORS
16. Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion is very smart. Tyrion is much smarter that Joffrey and Cersei. If Tyrion had used his smarts to find more subtle ways to control Cersei and Joffrey, Tyrion might be in a better position right now. Because as it stands, of course everyone thinks he killed Joffrey.
Tyrion receives: ¾ out of 6 HODORS
15. Oberyn Martell
It isn’t super fair to judge someone based on one mistake they made 30 seconds before they died, so Oberyn remains one of the least dumb stupid characters on GoT.
Besides, if he weren’t already proving himself to be smart, we wouldn’t all be so mad at him for dying.
Oberyn receives: 1 out of 6 HODORS
14. Stannis Baratheon
Stannis isn’t a moron, exactly, but he’s both dependent on outside opinions, and scornful of any opinions he doesn’t agree with. When anyone can be on your shit list just because things didn’t go your way, it won’t be long before everyone just leaves your ass.
Plus, he is definitely taking advantage of the fact that Ser Davos is willing to put up with a lot of his shit. One of these days Ser Davos is going to get his hands on a Beyonce album and realize that he can do better than Stannis.
Stannis receives: 1½ out of 6 HODORS
13. Jaime Lannister
Jaime hasn’t gotten this far without being a relatively bright human, and a shrewd manipulator, but never forget that Jaime would still have a hand if he wasn’t so determined to show Brienne how awesome he is at swords.
Also, how hard is it to push a 10-year-old out a window hard enough where he dies?
Jaime receives: 2 out of 6 HODORS
12. Lysa Arryn
Lysa is like that sister who comes to Thanksgiving and then cooks nothing and complains that her kid doesn’t like the food. She has tried to be helpful exactly twice: when she tried and failed to execute Tyrion, and when she almost killed Sansa. Like, thanks for nothing, Lysa. Whose side are you on again?
And come on, even she should know better than to trust Petyr.
Lysa receives: 2¼ out of 6 HODORS
11. Joffrey Baratheon
Joffrey is technically not as stupid as you would think, because Joffrey is also arguably very mentally ill. Joffrey makes bad decisions, sure, but since they are based on his warped worldview, to him, they are actually good decisions. Almost no one in Joffrey’s life ever bothers to correct him or punish him, and therefore, every extreme choice Joffrey makes actually ends up going well for him.
If Joffrey wasn’t at least of average intelligence, he wouldn’t have so easily figured out that he can get away with everything that he does.
The first time Joffrey is ever really punished for his behavior, is when he gets killed. Think about it.
Joffrey Receives: 2½ out of 6 HODORS
10. Ned Stark
Yes, Ned Stark makes a lot of bad choices. This is true.
But the problem with poor Ned is that he is pretty much boned no matter WHAT he chooses to do. If he decides not to trust Petyr, he still has to DEAL with Petyr. If he doesn’t kill Sansa Stark’s direwolf, he has to answer to drunk, unpredictable Robert Baratheon and Cersei, who is basically a professional grudge hoarder. Then, we might be complaining about how Ned Stark could have avoided this whole war if he’d just killed one measly direwolf.
It really didn’t matter what Ned did, he was never going to make it out of Season 1 alive.
Ned receives: 3 out of 6 HODORS
Robb receives: 3¼ out of 6 HODORS
8. Viserys Targaryen
What are you even doing, Viserys? All you had to do was chill out, stop being so greedy, and you could have been brother of the queen. You didn’t have to do any work! And you LOVE not doing work!
Look, the only reason why you are not ranked any higher is because Drogo took you out before you had the chance to make things worse for yourself.
Viserys receives: 3¾ out of 6 HODORS
7. Cersei Lannister
Cersei is only alive because she is lucky enough to have been married to Robert and the child of Tywin. She is basically a female Viserys in a different family: She’s obsessed with petty rivalries, and doesn’t pay nearly enough attention to the things that are actually a threat to her (any one of the billion people attempting to take King’s Landing, Petyr Baelish, her murderball of a son).
Plus, for someone who is so proud of her scheming abilities, she has yet to scheme up something that actually worked out the way she wanted it to, unless you count her role in helping to capture and kill Ned Stark (if you can even count that as something that worked out well).
Like, come on Cersei. Even you have to see that you’re bad at this.
Cersei receives: 4 out of 6 HODORS
Samwell receives: 4¼ out of 6 HODORS
5. Grand Maester Pycelle
Grand Maester Pycelle is really good at four things: not knowing when to go away, parroting back whatever Cersei says, pointing out obvious things, and being a horrible judge of people. He isn’t just dumb, he is well-rounded in his dumbness.
In his defense, he is really, really old. On the other hand, he is also the person who, while STILL on the side of Aerys II, heard the Lannisters at the door of The Mad King — and insisted that there was no way that the Lannisters were going to sack the capital.
However, Pycelle is still alive and on the small council, which makes him a genius at failing up.
Pycelle receives: 4½ out of 6 HODORS
4. Theon Greyjoy
Theon Greyjoy is the type of person who is captured and imprisoned on third base, and thinks he hit a triple. Basically every decision he has ever made has been bad: betraying the Starks (the family who is statistically the least likely to stab one in the back), sacking Winterfell (a place his people have no ability or desire to hold), sticking his hand down the pants of some random girl (who is his sister, because it doesn’t even occur to Theon that the person greeting him on his return home might be a relative), etc.
In Theon’s defense, he has spent most of his life in captivity, so it’s not like he’s ever had any practice at making decisions, but good lord. He is somehow actually safer now as a castrated brainwashed captive than he was when he was free.
Theon receives: 5 out of 6 HODORS
3. Robert Baratheon
Oh, Robert “phonin’ it in” Baratheon. How did you not know about Jaime and Cersei? How were you so awful at being king, and yet so awful at letting other people do the king work for you? How were you so unable to hold your liquor? You’ve been only practicing your drinking for decades.
Robert is way more stupid than Ned, because at least Ned considers the consequences before he makes choices. Robert just barrels aimlessly through life like a boulder of silly putty, and then gets mad when things get stuck in him.
Robert receives: 5½ out of 6 HODORS
2. Catelyn Stark
What the hell, Catelyn? Unlike other people who made bad decisions because they were forced to (Ned), for love (Rob), because they don’t know any better (Theon), or because they thought it would protect their interests (Cersei), you went out of your way to make terrible choices. You captured Tyrion, who wasn’t hurting anybody, and for almost no reason. You gave away Jaime on the basis of a “deal” that you had made up, in your imagination. You told Ned to trust Petyr. You’ve known Petyr your whole life. You knew what you were getting into!
You get points for being mad about the whole Talisa thing. However, you then willingly agreed to go to the Red Wedding even though you are fully aware of what Walder Frey is capable of, because that is precisely why you were mad about the whole Talisa thing. You are a super cool lady, Catelyn, but this is all your fault.
Catelyn receives: 5¾ out of 6 HODORS
1. Renly Baratheon
Seriously, Renly? There is literally no reason why you should not be hanging out at King’s Landing right now. You had a huge army. You had a straight shot to King’s Landing (that you didn’t even have to take via water). You had a brother who was the rightful heir, and who wanted to align with you. Yes, he was an idiot, but you could have gotten rid of him later. It’s not like you’re weren’t excellent at lying to people, because everyone bought that you were doing Margaery. Plus, people loved you and Margaery, you two were the power couple Stannis and Melisandre wished they were.
If you had just swallowed your pride and joined up with Stannis, the Starks would have backed you up. But no, all you did was dick around and sass people and have tournaments. You could have ended the war and defeated the Lannisters. YOU COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL, RENLY!
Renly receives: 6 out of 6 HODORS
- Fans of Donald Trump say Bill Clinton's past indiscretions are fair game at the next debate.