1. Crap, I have to go out tonight.
2. I need to look like a person that other human people might want to drunkenly make out with.
3. I have nothing in my closet that will make me look like that.
4. And all I have in the bank is approximately two buttons.
5. …FOREVER 21 WILL SAVE ME!
6. Oh, Forever 21! You provide the same looks as designers but at 1/20th of the price and 1/40th of the fabric quality.
7. OK: All I need is one top. Or a dress. Whatever. The important thing is that I’m getting ONE.
8. There are too many choices here.
9. How did they manage to cram so many things on this rack? Finding my size in anything is going to require the jaws of life.
10. YAAAASSSSSS, I FOUND THE SIZE I WANTED — oh goddamnit, it’s actually a slightly different top in the same color, but uglier.
11. Are they trying to trick me into buying this uglier top by hanging it next to the cuter one?
12. Why don’t they just make MORE of the one top that it seems like people are actually buying?
13. If I throw enough shade at this one lady, will she move so that I can try to find my size?
14. I have become a person who elbows other people out of the way for a cute top. That is who Forever 21 has made me.
15. Look, it’s someone’s poor significant other playing iPhone games.
16. Wow, that is… a very bright shirt.
17. That is a lot of mesh for one abdominal area.
18. Is that velvet? Why?
19. UGH that dress looked so good until I looked at it up close and realized it was covered in a hideous trim.
20. Why is this dry clean only? It will cost me more to dry clean than it will to just buy a new one.
21. I would bet a million dollars that the dress the mannequin is wearing is the last one in the store.
22. Damn, everything on that sale rack is ugly. That thing is like a black hole where all good fashion ideas go to die.
23. I’d like this top if it came in a different color and had a different fabric and a different collar and a completely different print and no zipper.
24. …OK, I don’t think I actually like that top.
25. Do people wear this stuff? Like, real actual people, with bank accounts and jobs and real human fears? They wouldn’t make this stuff if people didn’t wear it, right?
26. Like a lot of people? That is part of what makes it cheap, right?
27. I think if everyone is wearing this neon craziness, then it’s probably OK. If anyone throws any shade at me, I can just say I got it from Forever 21, and then they will understand, and maybe will even come to be jealous of my outfit that only cost $15.
28. …Yeah, I could do suspenders. Why not?
29. Yeah, I could do spandex. Why not?
30. Now that I’m looking at this stuff, a lot of it is really cute.
31. I like that. And that.
32. My God, the prices. THE PRICES.
33. HOW IS THIS ONLY $20? HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE?
34. What’s that, mister price tag? You are telling me that I could buy eight of the clothing items you are attached to, and still feed myself?
35. Why am I not here all the time? This place is like the goddamn horn of plenty.
36. …Wow, the number of things I want to try on have piled up really quickly.
37. I really wish it were socially acceptable to steal a nearby shopping cart and bring it into Forever 21.
38. OK, I can only bring in seven items. I should really go try some stuff on. Besides, I can always come back for more.
39. But this dress is the last one in my size…
40. …Should I maybe hide it so that no one else finds it?
41. …I’m hiding it. Forever 21 is survival of the fittest. SORRY STORE EMPLOYEES, SORRY GOD. :(
42. Wow, this dressing room line seems way longer when holding 40 pounds of clothes and having to pee super badly.
43. Yessir, half naked in a dressing room is the best time to figure out that you got half this stuff in the wrong size.
44. Wow, these rooms are small. I feel like I’m changing in my car.
45. WHY DID I NOT GET TWO SIZES IN EVERYTHING?
46. …Ooof, that is not going to be a good look on me even if it does fit.
47. That is much shorter than I anticipated.
48. Everything about this top is adorable, except that it’s unbelievably itchy.
49. …I’m gonna buy it, anyway.
50. OH GREAT I just put a snag in this top. I am only putting this thing on for the first time, and I have already broken it.
51. Are any of these things made for people with actual boobs?
52. Man, trying on stuff that makes you look ridiculous is exhausting.
53. AND YET I AM STILL BUYING ALMOST ALL OF IT.
54. I am possibly too old for this shit.
55. I DO NOT CARE.
56. HELP ME I’m half naked in a dressing room and exhausted.
57. I swear to you, self, that if I manage to put my clothes back on and make it out of here, I promise we will pay for everything and leave immediately and end this nightmare.
58. …OK , I know I said I would leave as soon as I got out of the dressing room, but I didn’t see this dress before, and it is cute.
59. But I can’t go back into this line just for the sake of one dress.
60. I know I said this top was ugly the first three times I passed it, but now I’m
getting tired and it’s looking PRETTY GOOD.
61. Wait, there’s this whole wing I didn’t even go in? JUST HOW BIG IS THIS STORE, EVEN?
62. MUST NOT GET STUCK IN THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE OF JEWELRY.
63. How did I end up with seven items again? Oh well, I can just hide some of it and come back for it after I try this stuff on.
64. Oh dear lord… am I just going to keep repeating this entire process until I have gone through every single thing in the entire store?
65. And until I accidentally somehow spend $200?
67. LET’S DO THIS.
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- Mall of America, the largest mall in the country, is hosting its first ever black Santa 🎅🏿