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  • Top 10 Reasons St. Louis Is NOT Getting It’s Ass Kicked By LA

    I just read LA Weekly’s article 10 Reasons LA Kicks St. Louis’ ass. This chick went after Belleville, Budweiser and the Cardinals and I couldn’t take it anymore. Loosen your skinny jeans and push your ears out from under your overly parted bangs, because you sound like an idiot. Here is my rebuttal to her hard hitting journalism on the top 10 reasons St. Louis Sucks (and how it’s going to somehow help the Dodgers battle our BIrds). 10. Crime and Danger Yes, St. Louis experienced a tornado in 2011, yielding the jaw dropping death toll of ZERO! I will say this is something Los Angeles never has to worry about, because it NEVER RAINS. This little “benefit” of the city has caused hundreds of brush fires, constantly closing down the already bumper to bumper freeways. Just 5 days ago In LA county, traffic in the Newhall Pass stopped when a 15-acre fire broke out. The freeways were closed in all directions for about 90 minutes. I know this because I was sitting in it. Happy Saturday! Forget the constant fire threats to LA resident’s overpriced homes, they also have to worry about a little bitch called the San Andreas fault. Besides the constant tremors LA citizens experience when she’s angry, she’s most famous for her biggest performance, the Los Angeles Earthquake in 1994. Her bout of rage, probably induced by a look at the amount of California taxes taken out of her paycheck, lasted only 10-20 second but left 57 dead and over 8,700 injured. So, back to your super informed point about St. Louis being too dangerous, I would rather sit through 10 tornados at Lambert Airport than deal with one flight out of the overcrowded, terrorist target that is LAX. 9. Local Industry She states “We’re best known as the home of the movie industry.” This blooming movie industry is doing so poorly, that on August 23rd Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti declared a “State of Emergency” as movie and TV production has been fleeing from Los Angles due to, you guessed it, California taxes. And guess where California production companies are taking their business, the shitty Midwest. Even the Porn industry is in jeopardy, as Los Angeles recently passed a new law forcing Porn Stars to wear condoms while engaging in sexual activity. To top it off, they also created and funded government positions to occupy porn sets and enforce this policy. With government officials making ground breaking moves like this, I just can’t figure out why the state is in debt. Sidenote: I encourage the author of the original article, Sarah Fenske, to take a look in this “industrial phenomena” that is the LA Porn Scene, because let’s get serious sweetheart, your future is not in journalism. Her next point is my favorite: “St. Louis is best known as the home of Budweiser — a shitty beer”. Guess what I do? I work for Budweiser!! This nightmare of a beer company has forced me to travel the country, celebrating the joy of our classic American Lager and then PAYS me! The nerve! Again, this article’s brilliant author addresses the fact we went international as if it were a bad business move. Damn right we did, Bitch. We own breweries all over the world, including one that employs over 250 Los Angelenos in Van Nuys. So you’re welcome. Bud Light and Budweiser make up 2 of the top 3 selling beers in the world. But you probably wouldn’t know anything about mainstream popularity would you? My guess is you’re probably rocking a ‘vintage’ tee you found an a thrift store and sipping a ‘hyper local’ beer at happy hour right now. Well guess what? Buying second hand clothing and drinking at times based around cheap pricing doesn’t make you cool. It makes you poor. 8. Celebrities “We’ve got celebrities up the wazoo”. Yes you do. Such upstanding citizens as the anti-Semitic Mel Gibson and crack addict Lamar Odom. These guys are really helping improve your LA image. Well when it comes to celebrities, you can keep them. Give me a homegrown, girl or boy next-door with a good head on their shoulders over a narcissistic, tax avaiding ‘Celebrity’ any day. 7. Food Her next, highly informative statement is sure to change anyones wavering opinion of St. Louis to the dark side. “Your pizza sucks”. Good one. St. Louisian John Hamm, who you previously accused of fleeing from this city, recently went on Jimmy Kimmel to defend this very pizza you speak of. Youtube it. Imo’s for Life. Her next 3 points were so insufficient of facts, they need only a short rebuttal. 6. Pollution: Did you know the Environmental Protection agency recommends waiting 72 hours to swim in the ocean after rainfall, due to the amount of pollution that is swept into the water? But yes, let’s concentrate on a government plot to kill all St. Louisians during the cold war. Have another organic micro lager, sister. 5. Weather: Nothing I hate more than a White Christmas and snow days. 4. Vices: Your winning argument for this is the legalization of Pot in LA? Grow Up. 3. Urban Core The City of Los Angeles is thriving alright. With gangs. Please google “California Gangs”. Your search will yield a list of names so long it has to be broken down by ethnicity before alphabetized. What most people fail to realize, is the actual city of Los Angeles is a poor, dirty, rundown shithole. A place that must be glamorized under the exotic veil of your beloved celebrity to provoke any sort of tourism. My favorite is when I’m watching tv show filmed in “LA” and they show clips of the city. Opening scene: a shot of the Santa Monica Pier, a cliffside view of Malibu, a skateboarder in Venice, cut to the stars of the show having lunch “somewhere in Los Angeles” aka Westwood. For those of you still unfamiliar with this reference, these places are hours apart via the 405 freeway. Unless of course you manage to catch that amazing traffic window between 12:30 and 2:00 where the freeway is wide open (Southbound, on Sundays). You reference the ludacris idea of someone having to grow up outside St. Louis, because downtown is so wretched and probably war torn. Well guess where I grew up, Belleville, Illinois! You were smart enough to figure out that Illinois was located across from Missouri, so I’ll give you credit for your first accurate journalism point in this entire shit rant of an article. Yes, I grew up in Belleville, where my parents along with many others, were smart enough to realize you could have the city life with a small town price. What idiots. A quick hop on the Metrolink to St.Louis and I was at my summer job, at Busch Stadium. Home of the St. Louis Cardinals. I’m sorry you and your 3 siblings probably called a 2 bedroom apt home and had a curfew of 4:30 due to the Little Saigon Gangsters living in your 40 unit building. 2. Inferiority Complex The authors goal of arguing against the Best Fans in Baseball has gone so far off track, she is now starting to compare us with Chicago. The cities are about 5 hours apart and in different states, so this would be like comparing Los Angeles to Las Vegas or Phoenix (both of which are nowhere near California’s 1.1 Trillion dollar debt and neither have declared a state of emergency over the potential filming loss of Two and a Half Men). Inferiority complex? You’re the one losing sleep over a series that has yet to begin by writing this nonsense article. I’ll end Inferiority complex on that and let my Cardinals do the talking. 1. Monuments Well, you do have the Hollywood Sign. An eroding piece of LA history that requires tons of upkeep due to an initial shitty build job. They maintain the overall appearance of the structure with just enough touch ups to fool people into thinking it’s something special, much like most of the women roaming the streets below on Hollywood Blvd. She compares this termite ridden, popular murder location to our architectural masterpiece, the Arch. At 630 feet tall, the steel St.Louis Arch is the tallest manmade monument to ever be built. But hey, someone in Los Angeles was smart enough to spell out H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D.

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