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The Bachelor Recap: Week 5

Funny hats and Clare drama.

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The girls have moved from Seoul to Vietnam. I have moved from watching this on my living room couch to my room. Big changes for everyone this week. Let's go.

7:03- Okay, well now there's no way I'm going to Vietnam without staying at that super fancy hotel. I have a thing for infinity pools.

7:05- Instead of sweaty palms or butterflies in her stomach, Renee likes Juan Pablo so much that her palms... hurt? That's a new one.

7:10- Renee's date starts off with Juan Pablo pushing her in an adult stroller, which I'm not going to lie, I have wished for many times during my nannying career.

7:12- It's kind of like a Cinderella story, with Juan Pablo buying Renee a dress. But I don't think the prince in Cinderella bought her a fan... I was expecting the gift to be deodorant, though, so I guess a fan is better.

7:14- Renee has "kiss me" eyes on the entire time on the boat, and Juan Pablo still refuses to take the bait.

7:16- Bonding over parenthood.

7:20- Renee gets a rose but not a kiss. She also makes really funny faces that I'm sure her son adores.

7:33- Whine whine whine Clare is in the boat with Juan Pablo blah blah blah.

7:35- Girls are wearing funny hats and working on a farm! Cassandra wishes we had farms back in America. I cry silently as I type this into my laptop with the "No Farms, No Food" sticker on the front.

7:38- Clare is not concerned about what the girls think, and I really wish she had dropped a Richard Sherman "A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep."

7:45- Clare is somehow once again in a bathing suit with Juan Pablo. He seems to be proud of her for stepping outside her comfort zone, which I'm not really sure what that refers to. Eating food that you handpicked? If that's outside Clare's comfort zone, it's outside of everyone's comfort zone.

7:47- Who REALLY lounges in silk robes? Nikki, that's who.

7:48- Sharleen wants to be "a panda in a room full of brown bears." What differentiation between these two bears does she want Juan Pablo to recognize? Is this a racial reference?

7:51- "Sucking face again, sorry Mom." I wish I could "same" this comment, but I am severely lacking in nationally televised make outs recently.

7:57- I don't understand how Clare has never swam in a warm ocean. Honestly, that's kind of a wimpy bucket list item. Regardless, Clare gathers her moxie and creeps to Juan Pablo's room at 1am to invite him for a late night swim. She's really stuck on the warm water temperature. Warm. Warm bathwater ocean water.

8:00- "Pure bliss in every way." Ew. Just. Ew.

8:01- "We all deserve that amazing amazing feeling that I've always wanted but I didn't know if it was possible for me." Is Clare referring to an orgasm?

8:05- Juan Pablo talks about how Clare has something that attracts him. I think it's desperation.

8:06- Nikki is channeling her Lucy Free Spirit vibe with her outfit on this date, but the comparisons end there as Nikki is terrified of the designated activity: rappelling down a giant hole into a cave affectionately dubbed "Hell." Why does Juan Pablo purposefully put the blondes in these frightening situations? It's a little twisted, when you think about it, because it makes the girls look like the assholes and Juan Pablo the hero who coaxes them into "doing it together."

8:08- "Either I live, or I die, or I poop my pants." Nikki doesn't realize that she can do two of those things at the same time.

8:11- It seems a little vulture-ish to kiss a girl trapped on a ledge. Either she kisses you back or she jumps off a cliff.

8:12- There are ceramic squids scattered about this Hell cave. Creepiest date ever.

8:20- Nikki likes nursing, blah blah blah.

8:23- Nikki feels like she stuck her finger in an electric socket, which is ironic because that's what I want to do after listening to her monologue.

8:28- I just saw Sharleen smile for no apparent reason and now I'm very suspicious. Something's not right.

8:33- After basically telling Juan Pablo, "Stop the fuck worrying about what my son thinks and kiss me already," Renee finally gets her kiss and it's set to dramatic fairy tale music. She is literally spinning in circles, she's so excited. She's goofy but it's kind of refreshing, especially since we're used to seeing her as the mothering type.

8:35- I smell a smackdown. Juan Pablo is gently letting Clare know that she crossed a line by coming to see him at night, and I'm honestly not really sure why. Like, he could have cut off the late night visit just by saying, "I'm a little tired, Clare, let's swim tomorrow." Did a producer slap him on the wrist or something? I'm confused.

8:36- OHHHHH SHIT. JP pulled the daughter card, saying she wouldn't be proud of how he acted with Clare in the ocean. He's being completely hypocritical with this weird and vague scolding- he could have said no at anytime. Oh god. That last part just sounded wrong.

8:43- Here's another question, why is Camila allowed to watch this show? That's not age appropriate.

8:44- If I were Clare, I would be spitting mad right now. All she wanted to do was swim in the ocean, y'all! Juan Pablo consented to that! Apparently he didn't want to "take away that emotion" which makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Clare's getting the shit end of the stick here. I feel bad for her and I don't even like her. Really thinking a producer yelled at JP for obviously having sex with someone too early in the season.

8:47- Just noticed Alli. She's still here?

8:52- The rose ceremony begins and the women are all a-titter about the biggest cut since the beginning of the season. Three girls will be eliminated, and three girls (Renee, Clare, and Nikki) already have roses.

8:54- In order: Sharleen, Cassandra (my god, I really underestimated her at the start of the season), Chelsea, Kat, and my girl Andi. Alli and Danielle will be going home to the surprise of no one, and Kelly's zingers will also be on a plane home to America (let's be real, that's the only reason the producers kept her around so long). That was a very predictable rose ceremony, and yet Juan Pablo is crying. Props to Danielle for recognizing that she and JP didn't have a connection at all.

8:58- Sharleen is crying. SHARLEEN HAS TEAR DUCTS! This is the biggest shocker of the evening.

The previews look like things get serious next week, with Sharleen and/or Clare possibly leaving early. Sharleen appears to complain that this is an inorganic process for her- fucking duh- while Clare is still mystified over Juan Pablo's comments before the rose ceremony. Regardless, it looks to be a more interesting episode than this week, which is not hard to top but hey, I'll take it.

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