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    Updated on Feb 26, 2019. Posted on Sep 30, 2018

    People Who've Had Miscarriages Share What They Wish Others Knew

    "No matter what your viewpoint is about children in the womb, have compassion and understanding."

    We recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to share what they wish others knew about their miscarriage. We hope their words offer guidance to those who don't understand and support for those who have been through it.

    1. "You’ll have other babies" is probably one of the worst things to hear.

    mum_to_my_baby_angel / Via instagram.com

    Other babies won’t replace the little angel I lost.

    karinar44f3b1a4c

    2. I still have guilt that it could have been something I did or could have prevented.

    3. I wish people could understand that not having children doesn’t mean you need to explain WHY!

    4. What I heard the most was, "At least it happened early." That doesn't give me any comfort; I spent the past eight weeks knowing and caring about this baby.

    khylamae / Via instagram.com

    People should learn not to say these things. Instead, offer a shoulder to cry on or let them know you're there to listen.

    sjmyers

    It bothered me so much when people would say, "At least you were only three weeks along." No, it’s still a painful and traumatic experience. It sucks when people downplay your pain.

    brip477d912f8

    My husband and I had an early miscarriage and we didn’t even know we were expecting until I was losing the baby. I wish people understood that we still felt that loss as deeply as anyone else. Just because we didn’t know about the baby doesn’t mean it’s not real or the pain wasn’t there.

    kaitlynsillybearh

    5. I want people to know that there isn’t necessarily a textbook miscarriage and not all miscarriage experiences are the same.

    mum_to_my_angel_baby / Via instagram.com

    During my first and third miscarriages, I experienced severe cramping, bleeding, and I was hysterical. Our baby died and we didn’t know for a couple of weeks during my second miscarriage. Also, just because I’m not crying on the floor in the bathroom at work, doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic time for me.

    kellyr4cb8954dd

    I didn’t even know I was pregnant, I thought I was having a very heavy period. But the blood kept coming, then the debilitating contractions, and then the clotting. I rushed to to the hospital where I was told I had a miscarriage. The cramps were actually contractions. I didn’t know what to do. No one talks about it and I felt like, because I didn’t know and didn’t plan a pregnancy, I wasn’t allowed to mourn or feel any sadness. Everyone treated it like I dodged a bullet. Seven years later, and I’m still afraid to try because I’m so afraid of having another miscarriage. Whether the baby was planned or a surprise, a miscarriage is still a death and it still hurts. Don’t let anyone disqualify your feelings.

    jmperez27

    6. Just because I was young – or the pregnancy was unplanned – doesn't mean I was happy about my miscarriage.

    annabyang / Via instagram.com

    I was a teen mom who miscarried. Everyone else was so happy. I was devastated and basically ruined my life after it happened. I pulled it together, but I still get really depressed around the loss date and when my baby’s birthday should’ve been.

    zerom

    I miscarried at age 19, around six weeks. I wish people knew just because I was young and not in the right time of my life to have a baby yet, doesn’t mean that the miscarriage was "kind of a good thing." It was still sad and horrible. And it’s still awful to this day.

    karenm422da10f5

    7. I wish people understood that telling me I was not a mother because my baby died and expecting me to "let it go" and "get over it" within a certain amount of time just made my guilt over my miscarriage ten times worse.

    killswitchvix3n / Via instagram.com

    8. My advice to others is no matter what your viewpoint is about children in the womb, have compassion and understanding.

    xo_chelsea_herreen_ox / Via instagram.com

    That child may have meant everything to the parents. The pain of losing a child never goes away, born or not.

    l4e39d1201

    9. I think it's important to know that it's OK to not be upset, too. I had a miscarriage around seven weeks. I didn't know I was pregnant, and my husband and I were not trying to get pregnant at the time, so we didn't grieve.

    10. I had a late miscarriage and no one told me that your body still produces milk. Your hormones will tell you you're suppose to be taking care of something, all while your heart and soul breaks.

    11. The hardest part for me was feeling like a failure.

    holisticparentmag / Via instagram.com

    I worked in a predominantly female workforce and was surrounded by so many women who were getting pregnant so easily, making their announcements the morning after peeing on a stick, knowing everything was going to be fine. ‘Why not me? What’s so wrong with me?’ Having to deal with the grief, the hopelessness, and the feeling of failure all in a workplace with people who don’t know how that feels (and I wouldn’t want them to!) sucks.

    rachelb42b59c889

    12. Saying something like, "at least you know you can get pregnant" is not an appropriate response if we decide to share the news of our loss with you.

    werethemillers2 / Via instagram.com

    To us, this was and always will be our first baby. We had already spent weeks imagining what the future would hold for them – all life's major milestones. In the sterile, lonely doctor's office a stranger told us our baby's heart wasn't beating. Then we had to walk out, past all the women waiting with pregnant bellies. Then we waited for weeks for my body to finally realize the baby wasn't growing anymore. It may seem trivial to some, but losing that baby was the hardest thing we have gone through. Be kind when someone opens up and shares this news with you. It has most likely taken every bit of strength they have to do so.

    amandad4259ccdfe

    13. I wish people wouldn't say things like, "I don’t know how you must feel, my husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!"

    infertileboard / Via instagram.com

    Also, when I tell people the ages of my boys – who are five years apart – they often say things like, "Wow, you really went for a gap between them!" I didn’t plan that, but lost a baby between them and had a very difficult time getting pregnant again after that.

    erinl4569a9cfa

    14. It doesn’t matter how far along you are, it is still devastating at any stage.

    notanotherpregnancyanouncement / Via instagram.com

    15. When people say, "you've already got a child, be grateful," it's upsetting. I am grateful for my daughter, but I wanted my little man, too.

    theortizlife / Via instagram.com

    Also, when we feel ready to talk about it, please don't change the topic because you feel uncomfortable. You might be the only person we feel safe talking to at that moment.

    penginluvscooby

    16. I wish I knew that my partner would grieve differently than me.

    roseandherlily / Via instagram.com

    He didn’t want to talk about it at all, he wanted to deal with it by retreating into himself. I wanted to talk about it and flesh out my feelings together. I also had to deal with feelings of anger at the fact that we weren’t grieving the same way and I felt like I was the only one feeling the loss. It’s not true – partners also grieve the loss of a pregnancy. They might just grieve differently.

    bethannestiles

    Everyone grieves differently. My husband wanted to "move on" and not talk about it anymore after a couple of weeks. I felt at first like it wasn't a big deal for him, but I realized that he was just processing it differently than I was.

    candycanegirl

    17. I wish people knew it's going to be a while before I can talk about other people having kids. I'm not trying to be rude when you're excitedly telling me about your brand new grandkid, niece, or nephew, I just can't help being sad about other people's happiness.

    miscarriage_andme / Via instagram.com

    I don't want to bring other people down, but it's really, really, hard to set my grief aside.

    jennyaz

    18. I wish people just knew how common it is.

    adopting_embryos_2018 / Via instagram.com

    When I started talking about my own miscarriage, I learned that I had SO many friends who had been through one but never talked about it. I also wish everyone knew miscarriages are spontaneous and not a fault of the mother. I beat myself up for everything I did, and other people tried to help by suggesting I do things differently "next time." Believe me – neither was helpful.

    jenniev491e362e0

    19. I want other to know it’s OK to give yourself space to grieve.

    rebecca_oquendo / Via Instagram: @rebecca_oquendo

    I was fortunate enough to work somewhere that I could take FMLA leave because I just couldn’t function at work. Lots of therapy, lots of tears, and lots of forgiving myself for my "failure." I sometimes think of what would have been to myself. That’s hard to share with people.

    heliyas

    20. I miscarried my first child at 12 weeks. My wife and I were devastated, but I kept being told by people that it was to be expected because we were a lesbian couple. I tried to powerhouse through it and keep busy; I only took two days off of work. Worst mistake ever. While it’s true that miscarriages are more common than we think, it’s always important to acknowledge and mourn your loss as much as you need to.

    buzzfeed.com

    You ARE a mom. Talk to other women who have miscarried, cry, write your feelings and thoughts! I had to drop from my master’s degree for a semester to cope with my loss, and I feel like I’m finally starting to heal. I got a memorial tattoo for our baby, and it was SO cathartic. Just take care of yourself and remember that your feelings are valid and important, and you’re not flawed or at fault for a miscarriage, ever.

    tokodake

    21. Please don't say, "You're young, you can try again." Yeah, I know I physically can (although that's not possible for some), but mentally it can take a long time to recover.

    nourishedbygrace / Via instagram.com

    My third miscarriage took four years of trying and was lost on Mother's Day. Mentally and emotionally I wasn't sure if I could try again. Glad I did, because I'm due this December with a baby boy, but I just think it's a lot of luck that got us this far...and soooo much fear.

    brandym5

    22. I wish people had talked about it before I went through it. I felt so alone and wondered what I did wrong.

    stellawilderom / Via instagram.com

    When I had my first miscarriage, I didn't know anyone else who had had one. Then, all of a sudden, every older woman in my life came forward to tell me that they had one (or more). Now that I have two grown daughters, I make it a point to talk about it. Not in a morbid way, just in a matter of fact way, so that they know that it's not uncommon at all and that they can talk to me about anything.

    christinedecranem

    23. My second pregnancy was supposed to be twins, but ended in only one making it to term. Even with one of our sweet ones making it, you never forget that it was supposed to be two.

    british.products / Via instagram.com

    Some days will be fine, but other days will be crippling grief and that is OK. People still tell me, "at least you still have the one" as if that is supposed to make up for the loss of the other, but it is just because they do not know first-hand what it is like.

    spideymonkey90||

    24. I wish people knew how draining it is. There are HCG tests and continuous doctor visits.

    amummyinsurrey / Via instagram.com

    I had to have my HCG levels checked every other day, leaving my arms and heart completely bruised. My cousin was due just a little before I was, and nobody understood why it was hard for me to go to the baby shower. To this day I still think, "My baby would be five right now."

    evfransham

    25. I wish people knew that it’s OK to talk to me about my miscarriage.

    rmillerme / Via instagram.com

    Although it was hard to deal with and upset me before, it’s still a part of my story. Without losing my first baby, I wouldn’t have my gorgeous little girl. My rainbow baby helped lessen the pain of losing my first baby, and I know I have a child that sees all that’s going on with us and is happily looking down.

    jordanf41b9f8598

    26. I wish people knew that if you had another baby after a miscarriage, it does not mean the pain goes away. One child does not replace another.

    Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

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