This Mom Teaches Her Daughters That Virginity Doesn't Exist, And Her Reasons Are So Important

    "How about instead of making the first time special, make sure it’s always special because that’s the bare minimum you deserve."

    Recently, TikTok user @nevadashareef asked parents to share something about the way they raised their kids that people think is weird, but is actually healthy for them. A woman named Cayce LaCorte saw the video and decided to share hers:

    Cayce's video immediately went viral with over 2 million views. In it, she explains why she is raising her five daughters to believe that there is no such thing as virginity. "It is a patriarchal concept used to control women and serves no purpose — other than making women feel bad about ourselves. Just because some guy randomly sticks his penis in you at some point in your life does not change your worth, it does not change who you are, it doesn't do anything other than it happened. Sex is important. It's a big deal. It should always be a big deal. It has nothing to do with your first's just ridiculous. The whole concept is ridiculous," she says in the video.

    BuzzFeed spoke to Cayce, who said she thinks her video resonated with so many people because she said what a lot of people were thinking but didn’t know how to articulate. "I also think that there’s a large group of parents of young children who hadn’t thought that far ahead yet," she said.

    One person said, "We need to normalize this!!! You just shifted my perspective in 15 secs, it makes so much sense. Thank you so much"

    The comments included a lot of sexual assault survivors. "We all have our own 'rape/assault/pressured into doing something I didn’t want' story. We can all empathize. For an entire society to tell you that your worth is tied to your virginity or purity, then have someone take that from you?! It’s heartbreaking and infuriating and makes me want to smash things. We are so fucking angry about all of this, and if I can make a single survivor feel better about themselves, then I’ve already succeeded," she said.

    She also said the message in her video isn't just about virginity. "It’s about the way we force arbitrary rules on ourselves and our kids and miss the big picture. Instead, we could focus on education about pregnancy, STDs, self-worth. How about, instead of making the first time special, make sure it’s always special because that’s the bare minimum you deserve."

    "As a woman who waited 'til I got married, in the end it didn't matter, my husband still cheated and we ended in divorce. Making a smart choice is [thumbs up emoji]"

    Cayce currently lives in Charleston, South Carolina with her five daughters who range in age from 7 to 16.

    Cayce on the couch with a cat

    When it comes to teaching her kids about sex, Cayce doesn't wait to have that "one big talk." Instead, she has a lot of little conversations as they grow. "I start young, focusing on body autonomy — not having to hug someone or let a relative kiss them. I make sure they understand the technical names for the parts of their bodies. I want them to know that it’s OK to cause a scene if they feel threatened or even just scared," she said, pointing out that young kids are often taught to be quiet and "not cause a scene" when something they don't like happens.

    Cayce posing next to a set of giant books

    As her girls get older, Cayce talks to them about different kinds of love and different kinds of families. "I deconstruct gender norms, like boys can wear pink or makeup if they want. I keep it simple — when questions about trans people come up, I tell them." Once her girls hit late elementary or early middle school, Cayce has bigger conversations with them. "We have a talk about consent, saying 'no' when they want to stop, respecting others’ boundaries, healthy and unhealthy forms of love, what being controlled looks like, and how to be a good partner. I also talk about gender fluidity, what that looks like and respecting pronouns," she added.

    "Honestly, most kids have the ‘mechanics’ of sex figured out a lot earlier than most parents care to admit, but I make sure I can debunk stuff that’s not true and answer any questions they have as honestly as possible. Kids are going to take their cues from us — they're watching us all the time. If you’re uncomfortable and don’t want to talk about it, they’re less likely to come to you with questions, so take some time and analyze your own hang-ups as well," Cayce said.

    And, if Cayce was raising sons, she wouldn't handle things any differently. "You have to battle against toxic masculinity — which is like rolling a boulder up a hill, but it can be done. I’d give the same talks about consent, diversity, love, boundaries, permission, and openness."

    One person wrote, "and then there's me with my boys raising them to realize they are not owed anything from a woman. if she says no at any point, back up! and be safe [grinning emoji]"

    As she said in her video, Cayce believes the entire concept of virginity is ridiculous. "Purity culture is toxic at its core. Women are treated vastly different than men because its roots are steeped in a history of women being property. Can you imagine what the world would look like if society put half as much effort into making the world a safer place for women, instead of worrying that she’s not a virgin for her husband?"

    Cayce explained how, over time, she has become increasingly frustrated with how the world views and treats women. "I’ve always had a thick skin and a big mouth, so I just took the way I was treated in stride. But when I started having kids, I worried for them. There are already so many outside forces actively working against women, yet we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. If we want to improve our lives, it has to start with how we see ourselves, as women and as people. This thinking influences how I raise my girls every day, not just during the 'sex talks.' If not hating yourself because you’re not a virgin can improve your self-worth, imagine what applying that logic can do for a person over a lifetime," she said.

    One tiktok user said, "omg!!! as a therapist there is much praise I want to drop here for you! [two hand clap emojis]"

    "If people disagree or think I’m wrong, then they can keep on doing what parents have been doing for hundreds of years and somehow expect things to get better. It’s not my job to change their minds. I want to focus on the people who want to hear me out and try things a different way. For those who are intrigued by this, just keep an open mind. Ask questions. Think before you speak or judge, and be the person your kids come to and lean on when they need help or guidance," she said, adding, "Please remember to talk at their age level and keep it light — funny even. My girls have grown up hearing me rant (with humor, of course, nothing too scary) about the patriarchy and how women are portrayed on TV and in movies. This isn’t a one-and-done kind of thing. It’s an overall approach to how we discuss things with our kids in general."

    Cayce wearing sunglasses and a blanket over her head while holding a coffee mug with Iron Man on it

    Let's end on that note...and with a reminder that your credit score is way more important than your virginity! 🙃

    Cayce is writing a book and starting a YouTube channel soon. To see more updates, be sure to check out her website and follow her on TikTok!