Skip To Content

    This Sex Doctor Is Pointing Out All The Toxic Ways Society Makes Us View Sex And It's So Important

    "I call this the jackhammer!" 😈

    Hi, I'm Krista, and I'm on a mission to relearn things we've been taught wrong, as well as debunk viral information from the internet. Today I want to talk about sex.

    For as long as I can remember, I wrongly viewed all things surrounding sex. I was taught that sex was this forbidden thing that wasn’t supposed to happen until marriage. Because of this, I was never educated about anything related to sex β€” besides the basic info taught in school sex ed.

    My lack of sexual education left me feeling ashamed in so many aspects of my sex life as I got older. I was scared to communicate, I was often embarrassed, and there were even times when I thought something was wrong with me because I couldn’t orgasm. But the truth was, I didn't really know anything about my own body.

    Now that I am older, I know sex is healthy and normal. That being said, if you don’t want to do it β€” DON’T. OK, let's talk about some ~sex~ things we need to UNlearn. To get the facts, I spoke to sexuality educator, coach, and writer Dr. Jill McDevitt, who has been practicing for 14 years.

    Below is the full video of our interview talking all things sex if you want to watch. Otherwise, scroll down for a breakdown of the info!

    View this video on YouTube

    youtube.com

    McDevitt, who has a PhD in human sexuality, has a great analogy for thinking about how most people understand sex:

    "It's like you've experienced calculus, but were never taught basic arithmetic. So, as adults, we have sexual feelings, sexual experiences, and world views and then we have no tools"
    Krista Torres

    "When we don't know, we fill in the gaps on our own, and a lot of the messages we hear, we internalize as true because we weren't taught the skills to analyze or think about it in a deeper way," McDevitt added.

    So, now let's get into why shame surrounding sex is so prevalent in today's society.

    HBO
    Shame, sex, and society
    Krista Torres

    People often become ashamed about sex and their bodies after believing inaccurate things from TV, books, or movies. Think about the vulva or nipples and how we've been conditioned to think they should look a certain way.

    And shame is sometimes explicitly taught.

    Over the years, thousands of people have shared stories with  me about being pre-pubescent and accidentally orgasming β€” they were riding down the banister or over the arm chair on their grandma's couch
    Krista Torres

    Shame is also rooted in so many other things, from religion to the language we use. She explains, "Some people won't even say 'vagina.' They use terms like 'down there' and 'hoo-ha.' So the message to a person growing up is, 'We can say nose, we can say ears...but that's a 'hoo-ha' β€” skip over it, don't identify it.' What's the message? That this is unmentionable and we don't talk about it."

    These are things we need to be hyperaware of to stop the cycle of feeling any kind of shame surrounding sex. It's a great segue into common misinformation about sex, our bodies, and orgasms.

    Pop TV
    Sexual misconceptions
    Krista Torres

    Let's talk about orgasms. A while back, I was told that women could have different types of vaginal orgasms in different areas. But McDevitt said that's not necessarily true because β€” based on today's information and research β€” people with vaginas can only have clitoral orgasms.

    The nerves of the clitoris go down the sides and into the body, surrounding the vagina from the inside. So, that's why you have external [orgasms] and then you've heard about the G-spot
    Krista Torres

    Note: This does not mean that people cannot have orgasms from nipple or anal stimulation β€” this is just in regards to different areas of the vagina.

    Basically, a lot of people with vaginas don't orgasm from intercourse because the clit isn't being stimulated, whether that be internally or externally. And there may be different spots you want to explore, but there isn't this magical spot that will give you a different ~type~ of vaginal orgasm.

    I don't like people thinking, 'Oh, I can only orgasm from the clitoris.' Like, how many times have you heard someone say, 'Oh, I can only orgasm from my penis.' Right?! They don't feel like they're at a loss for anything.
    Krista Torres

    Orgasms can, however, feel different for lots of reasons. "For example, if it's been a while since you last had an orgasm, your perception of it can be different. There are also ones that are stronger and not as strong, like the actual muscles that are contracting during an orgasm," she added.

    So how can you find new ways to enjoy orgasming? MASTURBATION AND SEX TOYS!

    Hulu
    masturbation and sex toys
    Krista Torres

    Masturbation reduces your stress and anxiety, it helps you sleep, it's good for learning about your own body, it lowers your blood pressure, and so much more.

    Masturbation reduces your stress and anxiety, it helps you sleep, it's good for learning about your own body, it lowers your blood pressure, and so much more
    Krista Torres

    And masturbation is one of the best ways to learn about your body and what you like. "I'm also a big proponent of sex toys because they're a very reliable way for people with vulvas to learn," McDevitt said.

    Because of all of the myths, misinformation, and shame around sexuality, a lot of folks with vaginas don't orgasm with partners. They're having penile/vaginal intercourse which is not the best way to achieve one because it's leaving out the clitoris
    Krista Torres

    If you're looking for a sex toy, McDevitt's blanket recommendation is from Cal Exotics and it's called W.I.L.F. (Wand I'd Like to Fuck). "I call it the jackhammer! It's got a broad surface area, so that means it's covering a lot of the clit β€” it's covering the whole external piece and some of the internal pieces. And it's just powerful as hell, it's absurd!"

    Dr. McDevitt holding a vibrator to a plushie vulva
    Jill McDevitt

    She also suggests trying a rabbit (on the left) for external clitoral stimulation and a curved dildo (lower right) for internal clitoral stimulation. If you're looking for a toy to try with your partner with a penis, get a ring that goes around the penis with a vibrator at the top to stimulate the clit (upper right).

    Jill McDevitt

    "Get a dildo that is curved up so when inserted, it hits the clitoris on the back end internally," she explained.

    Last, but definitely not least, is communication and thinking.

    Showtime
    Krista Torres

    Many people are unsure about how to deal with communication during specific kinds of sexual situations. They are scared it will hurt someone's feelings, or they think it'll make the other person perceive them in some kind of way. To challenge this thinking, McDevitt suggests leaning into your own natural skill set.

    @callmekristatorres

    Such a great analogy to reference when it comes speaking up for yourself during sex! sexadvice #findthefacts sex #momsoftiktok #fyp #themoreyouknow

    ♬ original sound - Krista Torres

    She added, "We get flustered, we get embarrassed, we get awkward, and all of a sudden we act like we don't know how to talk. And we do β€” this activity is a reminder that you do already have those skills, and this isn't something new you have to learn.”

    Also, have an internal dialogue with yourself about why you're feeling a certain way. For example, Madonna recently posted a photo of herself in sexy lingerie, and people were saying she was too old and the photo wasn't appropriate for kids. "Where did we learn that you stop being sexual before age 62? Or that sexuality is only for young people, or that it's harmful for an adult to see their parent being a sexual being? The best thing to do is to be able to notice these things and ask why that makes you uncomfortable and sit with that. Let's challenge that feeling, that belief,” McDevitt said.

    Let's end on these words from McDevitt: "Other than being consensual, I can't think of anything that sex should be. Everything else we just made up. And you get to make it up if you feel differently."

    NBC

    I hope this info has been helpful to you in some way. If you want to learn more about sex, be sure to follow McDevitt on Instagram or check out one of her books!

    Got a topic you want more info on or have a questions about a viral topic you heard? Message me on Instagram @callmekristatorres and I'll try to get the answers!

    BuzzFeed Daily

    Keep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!

    Newsletter signup form