1.
*i walk in the room with hot dogs taped to my fingers like wolverine* Mark Cuban: I'm listening
2.
FUNERAL INSTRUCTIONS: * Open casket * Free bag of tortilla chips upon entrance * My dead hands hold the bowl of salsa
4.
6.
*Tucks shirt in* "Goodnight, shirt."
7.
what if u cracked ur knuckles and ur fingers started to glow like glow sticks
8.
Ellie Golding before the chorus on love me like you do:
9.
![wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/869071499545550848/44VooqlU_normal.jpg)
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
10.
i failed at sneaking out
11.
![[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1169724268755783685/gcbqjeeV_normal.jpg)
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
12.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite* *gets 2nd kite stuck in tree* Genie: please don't w- Me: I wish for a third kite
13.
Never order boots from Wish! I am just the messenger!!! 😩😭😭🤣
14.
*someone hands me a baby* Oh... no thank you *places baby on the ground*
16.
Idk why but i laugh soo hard at this picture.. #weirdsenseofhumor(:
17.
My kids stuck baby peaches onto a rose bush. #weirdhumor
