1. Step one: Kill a tree.
2. Step two: Prop up its dead body and decorate it.
3. Step three: String lights on tree and hope it doesn't catch fire.
4. Santa: a magical spirit who breaks into your house and eats all of your cookies.
5. And he has an army of imposters hanging out at shopping malls.
6. Snowmen: What did they do with all the snow-women and snowchildren? WHAT ARE THEY PLANNING FOR US?
7. Every holiday drink tastes way too good with booze added to it.
8. And why do so many holiday activities involve sharp, bladed objects?
9. Christmas carols sung by children are actually nightmare soundtracks.
10. Here's a scary thought: If stockings are giant socks, where are the giant people who'd wear them?
11. The scariest thing of them all: looking at your bank account after Christmas.
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