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The Top 15 Insane Things That You Won't Believe Are In My Apartment Right Now

Here are some things that are in my apartment right now. Prepare yourself.

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1.

This random-ass book my mom gave me.

This random-ass book my mom gave me.

2.

This Happy Meal thing my niece gave me last summer. He talks if you pull the banana.

This Happy Meal thing my niece gave me last summer. He talks if you pull the banana.

3.

This wonderful collection of shitty martial arts films that I got for nine dollars at Target. I used cash.

This wonderful collection of shitty martial arts films that I got for nine dollars at Target. I used cash.

4.

These senior pictures of mine from 1997. Apparently I had orange hair once.

These senior pictures of mine from 1997. Apparently I had orange hair once.

5.

This lighter purchased on New Year's Eve of 2012. I smoke around one cigarette a month, so it's still working.

This lighter purchased on New Year's Eve of 2012. I smoke around one cigarette a month, so it's still working.

6.

This great shirt design drawn by my pal Rachel. It's from a couple years ago when we had "Jersey Shore Day" at work.

This great shirt design drawn by my pal Rachel. It's from a couple years ago when we had "Jersey Shore Day" at work.

7.

My Christmas tree. I still haven't taken it down. (Note hipster posters in background.)

My Christmas tree. I still haven't taken it down. (Note hipster posters in background.)

8.

Another item purloined from my mom's house. How can you resist that face?

Another item purloined from my mom's house. How can you resist that face?

9.

The biography of my love life.

The biography of my love life.

10.

An assortment of items on my dinner table, rarely used for actually eating dinner.

An assortment of items on my dinner table, rarely used for actually eating dinner.

11.

If this movie isn't in your apartment, then, frankly, I feel sorry for you.

If this movie isn't in your apartment, then, frankly, I feel sorry for you.

12.

My sweet bachelor fridge.

My sweet bachelor fridge.

13.

This pretty awesome picture of my family, circa 1984. (I'm the blond kid with the clip-on tie.)

This pretty awesome picture of my family, circa 1984. (I'm the blond kid with the clip-on tie.)

14.

My sister's autobiography.

My sister's autobiography.

15.

Finally, the essentials.

Finally, the essentials.

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