1. Spam, spam, more spam….wait what’s this.
2. This shit is classy.
3. I can tell cause somebody studied the ancient art of calligraphy to get my name to look so prodigious.
4. ……………it says it’s from Hogwarts………..
5. IT’S FROM MUGGLEFUCKING HOGWARTS!!!!
6. IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING!!!
7. (at the ripe old age of 25 but w/e it’s happening)
8. Ew I’m gonna be the skeezy adult that hangs out with children all the time.
9. Like every vampire show.
10. And that one about teen wolves.
11. Does that make me the hot one?
12. I’m totally the hot one.
13. Whatever I bet there’s a special class of adult magic learners just like me who are ~ cool ~.
14. Omg I’m gonna throw up.
15. Is excitement vomit acceptable if it’s not a children’s birthday party?
16. I should get it out now so I don’t do it in front of my cool new classmates.
17. Please dear god put me in Slytherin.
18. I can probably just ask the Sorting Hat to put me in Slytherin.
19. SHIT WHAT IF IT DEEMS ME NOT DEVIOUS ENOUGH?
20. I guess Ravenclaw would be cool too.
21. And I wouldn’t have to live in the dungeons.
22. Which is whack, Salazar Slytherin would never build his house in the least defensible position at Hogwarts.
23. NEVER GIVE UP THE HIGH GROUND.
24. * deep breath * It doesn’t matter what house I get sorted into, what matters is that I make the most of this magical opportunity.
25. BECAUSE I’M A WIZARD.
26. Er, witch.
27. I wish I could yell that in Harry Potter’s face just like Hagrid.
28. OMG DO I GET TO MEET HARRY POTTER?
29. Gotta get that celeb creep selfie.
31. Bet he aged well.
32. I wonder who else aged well?
33. P R O F E S S O R L O N G B O T T O M
34. Gotta take herbology.
35. Gotta find a herbology ~ connection ~.
36. I can probably just ask the first Hufflepuff I see.
37. Damn I should just be in Hufflepuff, they’re the stoner house AND they live right next to the kitchens.
38. Muggle. Fucking. Treats.
39. How many Chocolate Frogs can I fit in my mouth at once?
40. I cannot wait to try that during a midnight kitchen raid.
41. Probably after an epic Quidditch match that I won.
42. Who am I kidding, there’s no spell that makes you coordinated and super good at sports.
43. RIP Quidditch superstar fantasies.
44. I WILL FLY ON A BROOM THOUGH.
45. I am determined.
46. Just me and Hermione against the coordinated people of the world.
47. But seriously it seems kinda painful and more than a little scary.
48. Like an angry pet who doesn’t have a face to read emotional cues from.
49. That you then have to blindly ride into the sunset.
50. …….okay maybe I’ll work up to flying.
51. Maybe I can just levitate?
52. Ugh no, that’s too David Blaine.
53. And I’m ~ hardcore ~.
54. I’ll skip straight to apparating.
55. Gonna apparate myself into the sweet embrace of Firewhiskey served by my girl Rosmerta.
56. Omg I bet she has the best stories.
57. Me and my super cool adult classmates could gather round for story time.
58. Will there be pub snacks?
59. What do wizarding fries taste like?
60. Like regular fries but they scream every time you bite into one.
61. …….okay no to screaming fries.
62. I should be more worried about schoolwork than sneaking out to Hogsmeade anyway.
63. Except for Divination, ugh.
64. It’s the wizarding equivalent of a high school Poetry class.
65. Just sound as pretentious as possible while analyzing “The Raven”/some dank ass tea leaves, you’ll pass.
66. But I’m actually pretty fucking hyped for Transfiguration.
67. You can just call me: THE FULL-METAL ALCHEMIST.
68. * handclaps * water to wine * handclaps * steel to gold * handclaps * owl to dog
69. Ugh why owl when you can email?
70. SHIT I’M GONNA LEARN HOW TO SHAPESHIFT.
71. FORM OF. A FOX.
72. Then I can run through the Forbidden Forest with wild abandon.
73. Ew how many couples are going to be having sex out there?
74. Because let’s get real that’s why the forest is really forbidden.
75. [insert Whomping Willow joke here]
76. Damn what if I’m something lame like a rat though?
77. I’LL NEVER BE LIKE PETTIGREW, I AIN’T NO SNITCH. (unless there is a magical spell that makes me supercoordinated, and then I’ll be all up in that snitch business)
78. Straight up Order of the Phoenix son.
79. And Dumbledore’s Army.
80. OOOOOO wait, do they still meet in the Room of Requirement?
81. What’s the Room of Requirement going to look like for me?
82. An open bar in a library.
83. With a fireplace.
84. And a glass ceiling that has a perfect view of the comsos.
85. omg omg omg omg I CAN’T WAIT TO GO TO HOGWARTS
86. My life is literally perfect right now.
87. * studies letter * wait…….
88. This is an online course. - __ -
89. Am I going to the Phoenix University of Hogwarts?
91. FUCK IT I STILL GOT INTO HOGWARTS.
92. I’M A WIZARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
- Donald Trump was sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States of America. 🇺🇸