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49 Thoughts You Have While Getting Stood Up

Only Magic Mike and night cheese can fix this.

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1. Shit, ten minutes is later than I meant to be.

2. Oh perfect they're running late too.

3. Am I gonna look like an alcoholic if they walk in and see me already sipping a drink?

4. Eh fuck it, the waitress wont seat me till they get here anyway.

5. If I drink this quickly I can get another one before they get here to judge me.

6. Hmmm. It's been 15 mins since I got here. Why don't I have a 'sorry running late' text yet?

7. Maybe they're still on the subway or they don't want to text and drive.

8. *thinks about those don't text and drive commercials* Omg, no one's last text should be 'running 15 mins late, finding parking'.

9. That sounds like the beginning of a Nicholas Sparks movie that features only white people kissing.

10. *movie trailer voice* What if two people who were meant to be never met? Will the universe bring them back together, or have they missed each other by 15 mins?

11. Hmmm. It's now been 20 mins and I already watched a terrible movie in my head.

12. I should send a non-judgy text that implies that also I don't appreciate being kept waiting.

13. *texts* Chillin at the bar!

14. Okay now I'm actually on drink number three and they're still not here.

15. Chill girl, you're not getting stood up. Have some faith in humanity.

16. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR 30 MINS.

17. Fuck. I'm definitely getting stood up.

18. Alright fuck this and fuck him. I'm leaving after I finish this tasty tasty drink.

19. This bitch better have been abducted by aliens.

20. Or suddenly time traveled to 1920 where his cell phone doesn't get service.

21. What if he ran away to join the circus?

22. Has anyone ever actually done that or is that just an expression?

23. I'm gonna ask Twitter, Twitter is my only friend.

24. *tweets* HI I'M GETTING STOOD UP WHAT ARE THE CHANCES MY DATE RAN OFF TO JOIN THE CIRCUS AND FORGET TO LET ME KNOW?

25. *checks notifications* Absolutely no chance. It's more likely that it's cloudy with a chance of meatballs outside.

26. WTF AT LEAST IF IT WAS RAINING MEATBALLS I'D BE PLEASED.

27. UGH I SHAVED MY LEGS FOR THIS.

28. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DOESN'T MAKE UP A PATHETICALLY TRANSPARENT EXCUSE TO CANCEL?

29. THAT'S NOT EVEN THE NICE AND POLITE THING TO DO, IT'S LITERALLY THE BARE MINIMUM OF HUMAN DECENCY TO TELL SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE AT THE PLACE FOR THE THING.

30. This is so embarrassing, I have to say something to the hostess when I leave.

31. My date was eaten by a tiger.

32. My date was called into an emergency session of congress.

33. Damn she's already looking at me pityingly. It's all over. I'll just slink out when her back is turned.

34. Bartender's kinda cute tho....and I already have my face on.

35. That bitch doesn't know what he's missing. Flirting with the bartender is the best way to prove this.

36. *goes to flirt* *politely asks for check instead*

37. UGH I'm a failure at flirting and at picking dates who actually want to show up.

38. WAIT NO I'M AMAZING THAT FLOP IS THE ONE WHO IS A FLOP.

39. You wouldn't stand up Barack Obama would you? I AM DEFINITELY ON BARACK OBAMA'S LEVEL.

40. *channels fury of scorned women everywhere*

41. Gonna exit with grace and my head held high.

42. *dignified lady nod of solidarity with hostess on the way out*

43. This is a lesson to never leave the house.

44. How scathing should this next and final text be?

45. Like I want to reach mom levels of guilt but also sound like I couldn't possibly give a shit.

46. *calls upon the sisterhood* *burns sage* *types in a fury*

47. Judging by how late you are to are our date, I'm having a lot of trouble accepting that fact that you were the fastest sperm. *hits send*

48. *drunken giggle* FUCKING NAILED IT.

49. Only Magic Mike and night cheese can salvage this evening.

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