1. It is 7:00 a.m. This is torture.
2. Why am I out of bed right now?
3. I wonder if this is going to be like that episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where they parody SoulCycle.
4. Oh my god they have free toiletries in the bathroom.
5. Razors?! Hair elastics?! Lotion?! Oh my god, I'm in heaven.
6. Does it scream "I'm here on a gift card" if I stock up?
7. What are these shoes? Are these like cleats?
8. OMG am I going to be STRAPPED into this bike?
9. Will I be able to stop moving on my own accord?
10. I'm terrified.
11. IS THAT MY INSTRUCTOR?
12. SHE IS SOLID MUSCLE OMG.
13. Seriously, she was carved out of stone.
14. Everyone has cool workout clothes.
15. I need cool workout clothes.
16. Is that a stain on my T-shirt?
17. I'm an embarrassment.
18. OK time to go in.
19. Why is it so dark in here?
20. There are candles. Why are there candles?
21. Is this going to be relaxing?
*MUSIC STARTS BLASTING*
22. OK, this isn't going to be relaxing.
23. OK I need to put a cushion on this seat — this is not going to feel good.
24. Why does the guy next to me have three towels?
25. Should I have three towels?
26. Am I going to sweat three towels worth of sweat?
27. I'm going to get two towels.
28. That feels right.
29. OK time to get on this bike.
30. Wow. I'm really clipped into this thing.
31. Like, if I fall over... I'm taking this bike with me.
32. OK the light is literally shining off the instructor's muscles.
33. Thank god I'm in the back row.
34. Oh yeah. My vagina is not gonna feel good after this.
35. And we're dancing on the bike.
36. OK I didn't know you could dance on a bike but we're doing it.
37. I mean, they're doing it... I would call what I'm doing "trying."
38. Three-towel dude is going hard in the paint.
39. Is this how you get a great ass? Because everyone in here has a great ass.
40. OK I need to chill, I'm like Tina Belcher in the back row.
41. I wonder how many minutes it's been.
42. Oh. The instructor is doing a little motivational speaking.
43. She just said, "Be the change you want to see in the world."
44. I am speechless.
45. Mostly because I'm out of breath.
46. OK, this is inspiring as fuck.
47. Not gonna lie, I'm drinking the SoulCycle Kool-Aid a little.
48. Which sucks...because I really can't afford this Kool-
49. Finally, time to stretch. Thank god.
50. Andddd we're bending our bodies on top of the bike.
51. Do I bend that way?
52. I guess I do now.
53. My crotch/ass is not going to feel good tomorrow.
54. I am going to feel like I rode a horse across the country.
55. But like...if I look anything like my SoulCycle instructor...kinda worth it?
56. I still want to steal the toiletries though.