If We Said What We Were Actually Thinking At The Gyno

    There is nothing more awkward than making eye contact with someone who is between your legs.

    1. OK. This is it. This is what I've been preparing for.

    2. Seriously though, I'm waxed like I'm going on a date.

    3. But it would be kinda rude not to prepare, right? She's probably SEEN things.

    4. I wonder what it looks like… from that angle.

    5. Why does she bother knocking? She's gonna see it all in a minute, anyway.

    6. Should I lay down? Sit up? I'll sit up.

    7. What if I suddenly get my period?

    8. No, I'm not getting my period for weeks. It's fine.

    9. I hate how she alternates from asking about my family to asking about my vagina.

    10. OK here we go.

    11. I'm just going to look at the ceiling and try and relax.

    12. Look at that tool – she is literally going to crank open my vagina with that.

    13. Do we have to keep talking while she's doing this?

    14. And she's cranking it open.

    15. Damn, that is COLD.

    16. Did she just make a sound? I wonder if everything is OK down there.

    17. I'll just ask. Should I ask?

    18. OK, I shouldn't have asked. Now she probably thinks I'm worried about something.

    19. How many sexual partners have I had? Is that really relevant?

    20. I guess it is her JOB to know.

    21. I wonder if she can tell how long it's been.

    22. She probably feels bad for me.

    23.Oh god, she just casually says she's going to FEEL MY OVARIES.

    24. This is horrible.

    25. Being fingered with a latex glove is not fun.

    26. Being fingered is not fun.

    27. And now she's asking me about my job and my FUTURE.

    28. Is there a crystal ball down there? Can you just tell me?

    29. There is nothing more awkward than making eye contact with someone who is between your legs.

    30. And now it's boob-feeling time.


    32. And now I've got the high beams on.

    33. Are we doing a breast exam here? Or passing second base?

    34. She's literally kneading my boobs like pizza dough.

    35. I wish my gyno was someone super hot.

    36. Nah, that would be too awkward.

    37. OK I shouldn't be thinking about hot people while getting felt up.

    38. Well, the worst is over.

    39. Oh, nope. Now it's the heart-to-heart.

    40. This woman grills me about my dating life worse than my mother.

    41. Hey! I just realized I didn't have to pee in a cup. That's exciting.


    43. But first, a lesson on safe sex from the gyno with slight undertones of judgment!

    44. I'M FREE.

    45. I wonder if I'm walking funny.

    46. I wonder if when she looks at me she pictures my vagina.

    47. Definitely. She definitely does.