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Here's How To Look Like Your Man's Dream Girlfriend

Follow these simple steps and you'll go from disgusting spinster hag to sexy-kitten goddess!!!

Step 1: Wake up at 3 a.m. to apply makeup. Put on just enough so it looks like you are naturally flawless after sleeping on your face for six hours, but not so much he will suspect you used makeup. He must NEVER know of the makeup.

Step 2: Put on a sexy skirt and shirt. Preferably Barbie doll size — but tasteful.

Step 3: Eat a tiny piece of celery in front of him so he knows you are a tiny baby angel with a tiny baby angel stomach.

Step 4: Follow a strict regimen of covering yourself in anti-aging goop until you look about 6 to 18 months old.

Step 5: If the goop isn't doing the trick, lock yourself in a cryogenic chamber to prevent aging.

Step 6: Drink beer in front of him, but DO NOT swallow the beer; just hold it in your mouth and spit it out while he's not looking. This way, he will know you're a cool girl who can drink beer, but one who doesn't gain weight from drinking beer.

Step 7: Walk around behind a cardboard cutout of your man's favorite celeb (popular options: Sofía Vergara, Jennifer Lawrence, and Emma Watson).

And voilà! In six simple steps you'll be 1,000 times more attractive to your man! Just make sure you never stand near a cat after your transformation or else you'll be back at square one.