With Twitter in an uproar over Beyonce’s supposed Superbowl illumaniti hand sign, we thought it’s high time to revisit the world’s most illuminati-obsessed writers – Dan Brown, and just about every other fan fiction writer on the internet. Can you trace these quotes to their adjective-laden origins?
1. Physicist Leonardo Vetra smelled burning flesh, and he knew it was his own. He stared up in terror at the dark figure looming over him.
Dan Brown’s physicists really know the smell of their own burning flesh.
2. "Beware, Illuminati, for it is I, the one who just won't die, and you have no comprehension of the extent of my unparalleled wrath!" Out of nowhere he had obtained a gleaming sword.
In this piece of Harry Potter fan fic, Draco and Hermoine go to Las Vegas, Hermione gives birth to Draco’s son, and the Illuminati kidnaps the baby.
3. "Hell yes!" the kid said, standing up. "I heard what they do inside those secret buildings! Weird candlelight rituals with coffins, and nooses, and drinking wine out of skulls. Now that's freaky!"
This shrieky gem of dialogue is from Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol.
4. Five months ago, the kaleidoscope of power had been shaken, and Aringarosa was still reeling from the blow.
Dan Brown warns you not to get bludgeoned by the kaleidoscope of power.
5. Unblocked by the Apple's barrier, the rest of the Illuminati promptly began banging on the barred doors without missing a beat. Yet somehow, the room was deathly still.
In this piece of fan fiction, Lara Croft’s father leads the Illuminati.
Friendly reminder: Dan Brown and David Foster Wallace studied in the same creative writing workshop at Amherst College.
7. She rolled her eyes, sighing dramatically. "And to think," she mused, "most great minds want a son to continue on the family name."
Trouble in paradise: Reed admits to being involved with the illuminati, but gets jealous when he hears that the cult has nefarious plans for Sue.
8. The bay window caught his reflection. The image was distorted and pale... like a ghost. An aging ghost, he thought, cruelly reminded that his youthful spirit was living in a mortal shell.
We wish it was Dwight fan fiction, but nope, these bon mots are straight from Angels & Demons, which some sites consider the ultimate illuminati fan fic.
9. Overhanging her precarious body was a jaundiced face whose skin resembled a sheet of parchment paper punctured by two emotionless eyes.
This is how Deception Point makes people feel.
10. "We'll have to kill him!" yelled another of the men. To this, the youth gave a blood chilling laugh and took off the cloth, revealing his facial features.
Turns out all the good guys in the Legend of Zelda were part of the illuminati all along. Or so claims this imaginative piece of fan fic.
Dan Brown. Yep, Dan Brown.
12. Captain Bezu Fache carried himself like an angry ox, with his wide shoulders thrown back and his chin tucked hard into his chest . . . his jutting brow preceded him like the prow of a battleship. As he advanced, his dark eyes seemed to scorch the earth.
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